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The One Where Monica Gets a New Roomate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version)
The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version)
Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane
Transcribed by: guineapig
Additional transcribing by: Eric Aasen
(Note: The previously unseen parts of this episode are shown in blue text.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are there.]
Monica: There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy
I work with!
Joey: C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's
gotta be something wrong with him!
Chandler: All right Joey, be
nice. So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?
Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk?
(They all stare, bemused.)
Phoebe: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through
what I went through with Carl- oh!
Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a
date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex.
Chandler: Sounds like a date to me.
[Time Lapse]
Chandler: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm
standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked.
All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream.
Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize there's a
phone... there.
Joey: Instead of...?
Chandler: That's right.
Joey: Never had that dream.
Phoebe: No.
Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring.
Now I don't know what to do, everybody starts looking at me.
Monica: And they weren't looking at
you before?!
Chandler: Finally, I figure
I'd better answer it, and it turns out it's my mother,
which is very-very weird, because- she never calls me!
[Time Lapse, Ross has entered.]
Ross: (mortified) Hi.
Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.
Monica: Are you okay, sweetie?
Ross: I just feel like someone reached down my
throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my
neck...
Chandler: Cookie?
Monica: (explaining to the others) Carol moved her
stuff out today.
Joey: Ohh.
Monica: (to Ross) Let me get you some coffee.
Ross: Thanks.
Phoebe: Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the air
just in front of Ross.)
Ross: No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just
leave my aura alone, okay?
Phoebe: Fine! Be murky!
Ross: I'll be fine,
alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy.
Monica: No you don't.
Ross: No I don't, to hell with her, she left me!
Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian...
Ross: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on
that? She didn't know, how should I know?
Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (They
all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud?
Ross: I told mom and dad last night,
they seemed to take it pretty well.
Monica: Oh really, so that
hysterical phone call I got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 A.M., 'I'll never have
grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren.' was what? A wrong number?
Ross: Sorry.
Joey: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of
pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?
(Ross gestures his consent.)
Joey: Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some
hormones!
Ross: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I
just- I just wanna be married again!
(Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search
the room.)
Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! (He
extends his hand hopefully.)
Monica: Rachel?!
Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to
your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be
here and you are, you are!
Waitress: Can I get you some coffee?
Monica: (pointing at Rachel) De-caff. (to All) Okay,
everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (to Rachel) This is everybody,
this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross?
Rachel: Hi, sure!
Ross: Hi.
(They go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens. He sits
back down defeated again. A moment of silence follows as Rachel sits and the others
expect her to explain.)
Monica: So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting
for four wet bridesmaids?
Rachel: Oh God... well, it started about a half hour
before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was
looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden-
(to the waitress that brought her coffee)Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realized that I was more turned
on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it
hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I always knew looked
familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I
doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. (to Monica) So anyway I just didn't know where
to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I
knew who lived here in the city.
|
Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding.
Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an
issue... [Scene: Monica's Apartment, everyone is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV
and are trying to figure out what is going on.]
Monica: Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big
pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it.
Chandler: (imitating the characters)
Tuna or egg salad? Decide!
Ross: (in a deep voice) I'll have
whatever Christine is having.
Rachel: (on phone) Daddy, I just... I can't marry
him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it matters to me!
(The scene on TV has changed to show two
women, one is holding her hair.)
Phoebe: If I let go of
my hair, my head will fall off.
Chandler: (re TV) Ooh, she should not be wearing
those pants.
Joey: I say push her down the stairs.
Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey:
Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs!
(She is pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers.)
Rachel: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! It's like, it's
like, all of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a
shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a
shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I'm not saying I want you
to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy!
Ross: You can see where he'd have trouble.
Rachel: Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll
just stay here with Monica.
Monica: Well, I guess we've established who's
staying here with Monica...
Rachel: Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe
I don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!!
[Time Lapse, Rachel is breating into a paper bag.]
Monica: Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try
to think of nice calm things...
Phoebe: (sings) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and
kittens, (Rachel and Monica turn to look at her.) bluebells and sleighbells and- something
with mittens... La la la la...something and noodles with
string. These are a few...
Rachel: I'm all better now.
Phoebe: (grins and walks to the kitchen and says to
Chandler and Joey.) I helped!
Monica: Okay, look, this is probably for the best,
y'know? Independence. Taking control of your life. The whole,
'hat' thing.
Joey: (comforting her) And hey, you need anything,
you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live across the hall. And he's away a lot.
Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding
day!
Joey: What, like there's a rule or something?
(The door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it.)
Chandler: Please don't do that again, it's a
horrible sound.
Paul: (over the intercom) It's, uh,
it's Paul.
Monica: Oh God, is it
6:30? Buzz him in!
Joey: Who's Paul?
Ross: Paul the Wine Guy, Paul?
Monica: Maybe. Joey: Wait. Your 'not a real
date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy?
Ross: He finally asked you out?
Monica: Yes!
Chandler: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment.
Monica: Rach, wait, I can cancel...
Rachel: Please, no, go, that'd be fine!
Monica: (to Ross) Are, are you okay? I mean, do you
want me to stay?
Ross: (choked voice) That'd be good...
Monica: (horrified) Really?
Ross: (normal voice) No, go on! It's Paul the Wine
Guy!
Phoebe: What does that mean?
Does he sell it, drink it, or just complain a lot? (Chandler doesn't know.)
(There's a knock on the door and it's Paul.)
Monica: Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. (They are all
lined up next to the door.)... everybody, everybody, this is Paul.
All: Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey!
Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul,
was it?
Monica: Okay, umm-umm, I'll
just--I'll be right back, I just gotta go ah, go ah...
Ross: A wandering?
Monica: Change! Okay,
sit down. (Shows Paul in) Two seconds.
Phoebe: Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That
can't be good.
(Monica goes to change.)
Joey: Hey, Paul!
Paul: Yeah?
Joey: Here's a little tip, she
really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over again until
it starts to get a little red.
Monica: (yelling from the bedroom)
Shut up, Joey!
Ross: So Rachel, what're you, uh... what're you up
to tonight?
Rachel: Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for
Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing!
Ross: Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon,
God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year... talk about your- (thinks) -big
lizards... Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, Joey and Chandler are
coming over to help me put together my new furniture.
|
Chandler: (deadpan) Yes, and we're very excited
about it.
Rachel: Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just
gonna hang out here tonight. It's been kinda a long day.
Ross: Okay, sure.
Joey: Hey Pheebs, you wanna help?
Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Subway, Phoebe is singing for
change.]
Phoebe: (singing) Love is sweet as
summer showers, love is a wondrous work of art, but your love oh your love, your love...is
like a giant pigeon...crapping on my heart. La-la-la-la-la- (some guy gives her some
change and to that guy) Thank you. (sings) La-la-la-la...ohhh!
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, the guys are there assembling
furniture.]
Ross: (squatting and reading the instructions) I'm
supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little worm
guys. I have no brackety thing, I see no whim guys whatsoever and- I cannot feel my legs.
(Joey and Chandler are finishing assembling
the bookcase.)
Joey: I'm thinking we've got a
bookcase here.
Chandler: It's a beautiful thing.
Joey: (picking up a leftover part) What's this?
Chandler: I would have to
say that is an 'L'-shaped bracket.
Joey: Which goes where?
Chandler: I have no
idea.
(Joey checks that Ross is not looking and dumps it in a
plant.)
Joey: Done with the bookcase!
Chandler: All finished!
Ross: (clutching a beer can and sniffing) This was
Carol's favorite beer. She always drank it out of the can, I should have known.
Joey: Hey-hey-hey-hey, if you're
gonna start with that stuff we're outta here.
Chandler: Yes, please don't spoil
all this fun.
Joey: Ross, let me ask you a question. She got the
furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you get?
Ross: You guys.
Chandler: Oh, God.
Joey: You got screwed.
Chandler: Oh my God!
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are eating.]
Monica: Oh my God!
Paul: I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I
should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week. I
mean, how clean can teeth get?
Monica: My brother's going through that right now,
he's such a mess. How did you get through it?
Paul: Well, you might try accidentally breaking
something valuable of hers, say her-
Monica: -leg?
Paul: (laughing) That's one way! Me, I- I went for
the watch.
Monica: You actually broke her watch? Wow! The worst thing I ever did was, I-I shredded by
boyfriend's favorite bath towel.
Paul: Ooh, steer clear of you.
Monica: That's right.
[Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is talking on the phone and pacing.]
Rachel: Barry, I'm sorry... I am so sorry... I know
you probably think that this is all about what I said the other day about you making love
with your socks on, but it isn't... it isn't, it's about me, and I ju- (She stops talking
and dials the phone.) Hi, machine cut me off again... anyway...look,
look, I know that some girl is going to be incredibly lucky to become Mrs. Barry Finkel,
but it isn't me, it's not me. And not that I have any idea who me is right now, but
you just have to give me a chance too... (The maching cuts her off again and she redials.)
[Scene: Ross's Apartment; Ross is pacing while Joey and
Chandler are working on some more furniture.]
Ross: I'm divorced! I'm only
26 and I'm divorced!
Joey: Shut up!
Chandler: You must stop! (Chandler
hits what he is working on with a hammer and it collapses.)
Ross: That only took me an hour.
Chandler: Look, Ross, you gotta
understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento.
You, however have had the love of a woman for four years.
Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and
that is why we don't do it! I don't think that was my point!
Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if
there's only one woman for everybody, y'know? I mean what if you get one woman- and that's
it? Unfortunately in my case, there was only one woman- for her...
Joey: What are you talking about? 'One woman'?
That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Lemme tell you something,
Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing!
Cherry Vanilla. You could get 'em with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the
best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, like, what, eight?
Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!
Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.
Chandler: Stay out of my freezer! [Scene: A
Restaurant, Monica and Paul are still eating.]
Paul: Ever since she walked out on me, I, uh...
|
Monica: What?..... What, you wanna spell it out with
noodles?
Paul: No, it's, it's more of a fifth date kinda
revelation.
Monica: Oh, so there is gonna be a fifth date?
Paul: Isn't there?
Monica: Yeah... yeah, I think there is. -What were
you gonna say?
Paul: Well, ever-ev-... ever since she left me, um,
I haven't been able to, uh, perform. (Monica takes a sip of her drink.) ...Sexually.
Monica: (spitting out her drink in shock) Oh God, oh
God, I am sorry... I am so sorry...
Paul: It's okay...
Monica: I know being spit on is probably not what
you need right now. Um... how long?
Paul: Two years.
Monica: Wow! I'm-I'm-I'm glad you smashed her watch!
Paul: So you still think you, um... might want that
fifth date?
Monica: (pause)...Yeah. Yeah, I do.
[Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is watching Joanne
Loves Chaci.]
Priest on TV:
We are gathered here today to join Joanne Louise Cunningham and
Charles, Chachi-Chachi-Chachi, Arcola in the bound of holy matrimony.
Rachel: Oh...see... but Joanne loved Chachi! That's
the difference!
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, they're all sitting around and
talking.]
Ross: (scornful) Grab a spoon. Do you know how long
it's been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the words 'Billy, don't be a hero' mean anything
to you?
Joey: Great story! But, I uh,
I gotta go, I got a date with Andrea--Angela--Andrea... Oh man, (looks to Chandler)
Chandler: Angela's the screamer,
Andrea has cats.
Joey: Right. Thanks.
It's June. I'm outta here. (Exits.)
Ross: Y'know, here's the thing. Even if I could get
it together enough to- to ask a woman out,... who am I gonna ask? (He gazes out of the
window.)
[Cut to Rachel staring out of her window.]
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is making coffee for
Joey and Chandler.]
Rachel: Isn't this amazing? I mean, I have never
made coffee before in my entire life.
Chandler: That is amazing.
Joey: Congratulations.
Rachel: Y'know, I figure if I can
make coffee, there isn't anything I can't do.
Chandler: If can invade Poland,
there isn't anything I can't do.
Joey: Listen, while you're on a roll, if you feel
like you gotta make like a Western omelet or something... (Joey and Chandler taste the
coffee, grimace, and pour it into a plant pot.) Although actually I'm really not that
hungry...
Monica: (entering, to herself) Oh
good, Lenny and Squigy are here.
All: Morning. Good morning.
Paul: (entering from Monica's room)
Morning.
Joey: Morning, Paul.
Rachel: Hello, Paul.
Chandler: Hi, Paul, is it?
(Monica and Paul walk to the door and talk in a low voice
so the others can't hear. The others move Monica's table closer to the door so that
they can.)
Paul: Thank you! Thank you so
much!
Monica: Stop!
Paul: No, I'm telling you last night
was like umm, all my birthdays, both graduations, plus the barn raising scene in Witness.
Monica: We'll talk later.
Paul: Yeah. (They kiss) Thank you. (Exits)
Joey: That wasn't a real date?! What the hell do you
do on a real date?
Monica: Shut up, and put my table back.
All: Okayyy! (They do so.)
Chandler: All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I
don't input those numbers,... it doesn't make much of a difference...
Rachel: So, like, you guys all have jobs?
Monica: Yeah, we all have jobs. See, that's how we
buy stuff.
Joey: Yeah, I'm an actor.
Rachel: Wow! Would I have seen you in anything?
Joey: I doubt it. Mostly regional work.
Monica: Oh wait, wait, unless you happened to catch
the Reruns' production of Pinocchio, at the little theater in the
park.
Joey: Look, it was a job all right?
Chandler: 'Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.'
Joey: I will not take this abuse. (Walks to the door
and opens it to leave.)
Chandler: You're right, I'm sorry. (Burst into song
and dances out of the door.) 'Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy...'
Joey: You should both know,
that he's a dead man. Oh, Chandler? (Starts after Chandler.)
Monica: So how you doing today? Did you sleep okay?
Talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling.
Rachel: I can see that. You look like you slept with
a hanger in your mouth.
Monica: I know, he's just so, so... Do you remember
you and Tony DeMarco?
Rachel: Oh, yeah.
Monica: Well, it's like that. With feelings.
Rachel: Oh wow. Are you in trouble.
Monica: Big time!
Rachel: Want a wedding dress?
Hardly used.
Monica: I think we are getting
a little ahead of selves here. Okay. Okay. I am just going to get up, go to work
and not think about him all day. Or else I'm just gonna get up and go to work.
|
Rachel: Oh, look, wish me luck!
Monica: What for?
Rachel: I'm gonna go get one of those (Thinks) job
things.
(Monica exits.)
[Scene: Iridium, Monica is working as Frannie enters.]
Frannie: Hey, Monica!
Monica: Hey Frannie, welcome back! How was Florida?
Frannie: You had sex, didn't you?
Monica: How do you do that?
Frannie: Oh, I hate you, I'm pushing my Aunt Roz through
Parrot Jungle and you're having sex! So? Who?
Monica: You know Paul?
Frannie: Paul the Wine Guy? Oh yeah, I know Paul.
Monica: You mean you know Paul like I know Paul?
Frannie: Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul. Y'know before me, there was no
snap in his turtle for two years.
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Rachel is there.]
Joey: (sitting on the arm of the couch)Of course it was a line!
Monica: Why?! Why? Why, why would anybody do something like that?
Ross: I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than 'to get you
into bed'.
Monica: I hate men! I hate men!
Phoebe: Oh no, don't hate, you don't
want to put that out into the universe.
Monica: Is it me? Is it like I have some sort of
beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?
Phoebe: All right, c'mere, gimme your feet. (She starts massaging them.)
Monica: I just thought he was nice, y'know?
Joey: (bursts out laughing again) I can't believe you didn't know it was a line!
(Monica pushes him off of the sofa as Rachel enters with a shopping bag.)
Rachel: Guess what?
Ross: You got a job?
Rachel: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve
interviews today.
Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.
Rachel: You would be too if you found John and David boots on sale, fifty
percent off!
Chandler: Oh, how well you know me...
Rachel: They're my new 'I don't need a job, I don't need my parents, I've got
great boots' boots!
Monica: How'd you pay for them?
Rachel: Uh, credit card.
Monica: And who pays for that?
Rachel: Um... my... father.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is sitting around the kitchen table.
Rachel's credit cards are spread out on the table along with a pair of scissors.]
Rachel: Oh God, come on you
guys, is this really necessary? I mean, I can stop charging anytime I want.
Monica: C'mon, you can't live off your parents your whole life.
Rachel: I know that. That's why I was getting married.
Phoebe: Give her a break, it's hard being on your own for the first time.
Rachel: Thank you.
Phoebe: You're welcome. I remember when I first came to this city. I was
fourteen. My mom had just killed herself and my step-dad was back in prison, and I got
here, and I didn't know anybody. And I ended up living with this albino guy who was, like,
cleaning windshields outside port authority, and then he killed himself, and then I found
aromatherapy. So believe me, I know exactly how you feel.
(Pause)
Ross: The word you're looking for is 'Anyway'...
Monica: All right, you ready?
Rachel: No. No, no, I'm not
ready! How can I be ready? 'Hey, Rach! You ready to jump out the
airplane without your parachute?' Come on, I can't do this!
Monica: You can, I know you
can!
Rachel: I don't think so.
Ross: Come on, you made
coffee! You can do anything! (Chandler slowly tries to hide the now dead plant from
that morning when he and Joey poured their coffee into it.)
Ross: C'mon, cut. Cut, cut, cut,...
All: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut... (She cuts one of them and they cheer.)
Rachel: Y'know what? I think
we can just leave it at that. It's kinda like a symbolic gesture...
Monica: Rachel!
That was a library card!
All: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut..
Chandler: (as Rachel is cutting up
her cards) Y'know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream.
(She finishes cutting them up and they all
cheer.)
Monica: Welcome to the real world! It sucks. You're
gonna love it!
[Time Lapse, Rachel and Ross are watching a TV channel finishes it's broadcast day by
playing the national anthem.]
Monica: Well, that's it (To Ross) You gonna crash on the couch?
Ross: No. No, I gotta go home sometime.
Monica: You be okay?
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: Hey Mon, look what I just found on the floor. (Monica smiles.) What?
Monica: That's Paul's watch. You just put it back where you found it. Oh boy.
Alright. Goodnight, everybody.
Ross and |
The One With The Sonogram at the End
The One With the Sonogram at the End
Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane
Transcribed by: guineapig
[Scene Central Perk, everyone's there.]
Monica: What you guys don't understand is, for us,
kissing is as important as any part of it.
Joey: Yeah, right!.......Y'serious?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah!
Rachel: Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.
Monica: Absolutely.
Chandler: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act,
y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd
comes out.
Ross: Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that...
that's not why we bought the ticket.
Chandler: The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great
the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're
in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake.
Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time
you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.
Joey: (pause)....Are we still talking about sex?
Opening Credits
[Scene: Museum of Prehistoric History, Ross and a co-worker
(Marsha) are setting up an exhibit which includes some mannequins of cave people.]
Ross: No, it's good, it is good, it's just that- mm- doesn't she seem a little
angry?
Marsha: Well, she has issues.
Ross: Does she.
Marsha: He's out banging other women over the head with a club, while she sits
at home trying to get the mastodon smell out of the carpet!
Ross: Marsha, these are cave people. Okay? They have issues like 'Gee, that
glacier's getting kinda close.' See?
Marsha: Speaking of issues, isn't that your ex-wife?
(Carol, Ross's ex-wife, has entered behind them and is standing outstide the exhibit.)
Ross: (trying to ignore her) No. No.
Marsha: Yes, it is. Carol! Hi!
Ross: Okay, okay, yes, it is. (waves) How about I'll, uh, catch up with you in
the Ice Age.
(Marsha extis and Ross waves Carol into the exhibit.)
Ross:Hi.
Carol: So.
Ross: You look great. I, uh... I hate that.
Carol: Sorry. You look good too.
Ross: Ah, well, in here, anyone who... stands erect... So what's new? Still,
uh...
Carol: A lesbian?
Ross: Well... you never know. How's, um.. how's the family?
Carol: Marty's still totally paranoid. Oh, and, uh-
Ross: Why- why are you here, Carol?
Carol: I'm pregnant.
Ross: Pregnant?!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are watching Three's
Company.]
Chandler: Oh, I think this is the episode of Three's
Company where there's some kind of misunderstanding.
Phoebe:...Then I've already seen this one! (Turns off the TV.)
Monica: (taking a drink from Joey) Are you through with that?
Joey: Yeah, sorry, the swallowing slowed me down.
Monica: Whose little ball of paper is this?!
Chandler: Oh, uh, that would be mine. See, I wrote a note to myself, and then I
realised I didn't need it, so I balled it up and... (sees that Monica is glaring at him)
...now I wish I was dead.
(Monica starts to fluff a pillow.)
Phoebe: She's already fluffed that pillow... Monica, you know, you've already
fluffed that- (Monica glares at her.) -but, it's fine!
Monica: Look , I'm sorry, guys, I just don't wanna give them any more ammunition
than they already have.
Chandler: Yes, and we all know how cruel a parent can be about the flatness of a
child's pillow.
Phoebe: Monica- Hi! Um, Monica, you're scaring me. I mean, you're like, you're
like all chaotic and twirly. And not-not in a good way.
Joey: Yeah, calm down. You don't see Ross getting all chaotic and twirly every
time they come.
Monica: That's because as far as my parents are concerned, Ross can do no wrong.
Y'see, he's the Prince. Apparently they had some big ceremony before I was born.
Chandler: (looking out the window) Ew, ew, ew, ew ew ew ew ew!
Monica: What?
Chandler: Ugly Naked Guy got a Thighmaster!
All: Eeaagh!
(Rachel enters from her room.)
Rachel: Has anybody seen my engagement ring?
Phoebe: Yeah, it's beautiful.
Rachel: Oh God, oh God, oh God oh God oh God oh God.... (Starts to look under
the couch cushions.)
Phoebe: No, look, don't touch that!
Rachel: Oh, like I wasn't dreading tomorrow enough, having to give it back to
him... 'Hi Barry! Remember me? I'm the girl in the veil who stomped on your heart in front
of your entire family!' Oh God and now I'm gonna have to return the ring, without the
ring, which makes it so much harder...
|
Monica: Easy Rach, we'll find it. (To all) Won't we!
Chandler and Joey: Oh! Yeah!
Joey: Alright, when'd'ya have it on last?
Phoebe: Doy! Probably right before she lost it!
Chandler: You don't get a lot of 'doy' these days...
Rachel: I know I had it this morning, and I know I had it when I was in the
kitchen with...
Chandler: ...Dinah?
Rachel: (looks at the lasagne and realizes something) Ohhhhh, don't be mad...
Monica: You didn't.
Rachel: Oh, I am sorry...
Monica: I gave you one job! (Starts to examin the lasagne through the bottom of
the glass pan.)
Rachel: Oh, but look how straight those noodles are!
Chandler: Now, Monica, you know that's not how you look for an engagement ring
in a lasagne...
Monica: (puts down the lasagne) I just... can't do it.
Chandler: Boys? We're going in.
(Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe start to pick through the lasagne as there's a knock on the
door which Monica answers.)
Ross: (standing outside the door).....Hi.
Monica: Wow. That is not a happy hi.
Ross: Carol's pregnant.
Phoebe: (while everyone else is stunned) Ooh! I found it!
Monica: W-w-wh-... wha-... w-w-w-...
Ross: Yeah. Do that for another two hours, you might be where I am right about
now. (He enters.)
Chandler: Kinda puts that whole pillow thing in perspective, huh, Mon?
Rachel: Well now, how-how do you fit into this whole thing?
Ross: Well, Carol says she and Susan want me to be involved, but if I'm not
comfortable with it, I don't have to be involved.. basically it's entirely up to me.
Phoebe: She is so great! I miss her.
Monica: What does she mean by 'involved'?
Chandler: I mean presumably, the biggest part of your job is done.
Ross: Anyway, they want me to go down to this- sonogram thing with them
tomorrow.
Rachel: So what are you gonna do?
Ross: I have no idea. No matter what I do, though, I'm still gonna be a father.
(Joey starts to eat the rest of the lasagne and everyone turns and stares at him.)
Joey: .....Well, this is still ruined, right?
[Scene, Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross are pouring wine for their
parents.]
Mrs. Geller: Oh, Martha Ludwin's daughter is gonna call you. (Tastes a snack)
Mmm! What's that curry taste?
Monica: Curry.
Mrs. Geller: Mmmm!
Ross: I- I think they're great! I, I really do.
Mr. Geller: (To Ross) Do you remember the Ludwins? The big one had a thing for
you, didn't she?
Mrs. Geller: They all had a thing for him.
Ross: Aw, Mom...
Monica: I'm sorry, why is this girl going to call me?
Mrs. Geller: Oh, she just graduated, and she wants to be something in cooking,
or food, or.... I don't know. Anyway, I told her you had a restaurant-
Monica: No Mom, I don't have a restaurant, I work in a restaurant.
Mrs. Geller: Well, they don't have to know that... (She starts to fluff the same
pillow Monica fluffed multiple times earlier.)
Monica: Ross, could you come and help me with the spaghetti, please?
Ross: Yeah. (They go to the kitchen.)
Mrs. Geller: Oh, we're having spaghetti! That's.... easy.
Monica: I know this is going to sound unbelievably selfish, but, were you
planning on bringing up the whole baby/lesbian thing? Because I think it might take some
of the heat off me.
[Time Lapse, everyone is now eating.]
Mrs. Geller: What that Rachel did to her life.... We ran into her parents at the
club, they were not playing very well.
Mr. Geller: I'm not gonna tell you what they spent on that wedding... but forty
thousand dollars is a lot of money!
Mrs. Geller: Well, at least she had the chance to leave a man at the altar...
Monica: What's that supposed to mean?
Mrs. Geller: Nothing! It's an expression.
Monica: No it's not.
Mr. Geller: Don't listen to your mother. You're independent, and you always have
been! Even when you were a kid... and you were chubby, and you had no friends, you were
just fine! And you would read alone in your room, and your puzzles...
[Time Lapse.]
Mr. Geller: Look, there are people like Ross who
need to shoot for the stars, with his museum, and his papers getting published. Other
people are satisfied with staying where they are- I'm telling you, these are the people
who never get cancer.
[Time Lapse.]
Mr. Geller: ...And I read about these women trying to have it all, and I thank
God 'Our Little Harmonica' doesn't seem to have that problem.
|
Monica: (trying desperately to change the subject) So, Ross, what's going on
with you? Any stories? (Digs her elbow into his hand.) No news, no little anecdotes to
share with the folks?
Ross: (pulls his hand away) Okay! Okay. (To his parents) Look, I, uh- I realise
you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Carol and me, and, so, well,
here's the deal. Carol's a lesbian. She's living with a woman named Susan. She's pregnant
with my child, and she and Susan are going to raise the baby.
(Stunned silence ensues.)
Mrs. Geller: (To Monica) And you knew about this?!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Park, everyone's there.]
Joey: Your folks are really that bad, huh?
Ross: Well, y'know, these people are pros. They know what they're doing, they
take their time, they get the job done.
Monica: Boy, I know they say you can't change your parents,... boy, if you
could- (To Ross) -I'd want yours.
Ross: Must pee. (Goes to pee.)
Phoebe: Y'know, it's even worse when you're twins.
Rachel: You're twins?
Phoebe: Yeah. We don't speak. She's like this high-powered, driven career type.
Chandler: What does she do?
Phoebe: She's a waitress.
Rachel: All right, you guys, I kinda gotta clean up now. (They all start to
leave.)
Monica: Chandler, you're an only child, right? You don't have any of this.
Chandler: Well, no, although I did have an imaginary friend, who... my parents
actually preferred.
Rachel: The lights, please..
(Joey turns off the lights, and they all leave as Rachel starts to clean up. Ross
enters from the bathroom.)
Ross: ...How long was I in there?
Rachel: I'm just cleaning up.
Ross: D'ya.. uh.. d'ya need any help?
Rachel: Uh.. okay, sure! Thanks! (She hands him the broom and sits down.)
Ross: Anyway.. um.. (Starts to sweep.) So, you- uh- you nervous about Barry
tomorrow?
Rachel: Oh.. a little..
Ross: Mm-hmm..
Rachel: A lot.
Ross: Mm.
Rachel: So, got any advice? Y'know, as someone who's recently been- dumped?
Ross: Well, you may wanna steer clear of the word 'dumped'. Chances are he's
gonna be this, this broken shell of a man, y'know, so you should try not to look too
terrific, I know it'll be hard. Or, y'know, uh, hey!, I'll go down there, and I'll give
Barry back his ring, and you can go with Carol and Susan to the OB/GYN...
Rachel: Oh, you've got Carol tomorrow.. When did it get so complicated?
Ross: Got me.
Rachel: Remember when we were in high school together?
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: I mean, didn't you think you were just gonna meet somone, fall in love-
and that'd be it? (Ross gazes at her.) ..Ross?
Ross: Yes, yes!
Rachel: Oh! Man, I never thought I'd be here.. (She leans back onto his hand.)
Ross: Me either... (He pulls up a stool so that he doesn't have to move his
hand.)
[Scene: Carol's OB/GYN, Carol is waiting.]
Ross: (entering) Sorry I'm late, I was stuck at work. There was this big
dinosaur.. thing.. anyway.
(Susan enters holding a drink.)
Susan: Hi.
Carol: Ross, you remember Susan.
Ross: How could I forget?
Susan: Ross.
Ross: (they shake hands) Hello, Susan. (To Carol) Good shake. Good shake. So,
uh, we're just waiting for...?
Carol: Dr. Oberman.
Ross: ..Dr. Oberman. Okay. And is he-
Susan: She.
Ross: -she, of course, she- uh- familiar with our.. special situation?
Carol: Yes, and she's very supportive.
Ross: Okay, that's great. (Susan gives her drink to Carol.) No, I'm- Oh.
Carol: Thanks.
Ross: (picks up a surgical instrament and mimes a duck with it) Quack, quack..
Carol: Ross? That opens my cervix. (He drops it in horror.)
[Scene Barry's office, Barry is working on patient, Robbie, as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Barry?
Barry: C'mon in.
Rachel: (hesitates) Are you sure?
Barry: Yeah! It's fine, it's fine. Robbie's gonna be here for hours.
Robbie: Huh?!
Barry: So, how ya doin?
Rachel: I'm- uh- I'm okay... You look great!
Barry: Yeah, well..
Bernice: (over intercom) Dr. Farber, Jason Greenstein's gagging.
Barry: (answering the intercom) Be right there. (To Robbie and Rachel) Be back
in a sec.
(As Barry exits Robbie stares at Rachel.)
Rachel: I dumped him.
Robbie: Okay.
[Scene: Carol's OB/GYN, they're talking about how this is going to work.]
Ross: So, um- so how's this, uh, how's this gonna work? Y'know, with us? Y'know,
when, like, important decisions have to be made?
Carol: Give me a 'for instance'.
|
Ross: Well, uh, uh, I don't know, okay, okay, how about with the, uh, with the
baby's name?
Carol: Marlon-
Ross: Marlon?!
Carol: -if it's a boy, Minnie if it's a girl.
Ross: ...As in Mouse?
Carol: As in my grandmother.
Ross: Still, you- you say Minnie, you hear Mouse. Um, how about, um.. how about
Julia?
Carol: Julia..
Susan: We agreed on Minnie.
Ross: 'S'funny, um, uh, we agreed we'd spend the rest of our lives together.
Things change, roll with the punches. I believe Julia's on the table..?
[Scene: Barry's office, Rachel is doing her makeup in the mirror on Barry's lamp as
Barry enters.]
Barry: Sorry about that. So. What have you been up to?
Rachel: Oh, not much. I-I got a job.
Barry: Oh, that's great.
Rachel: Why are- why are you so tanned?
Barry: Oh, I, uh- I went to Aruba.
Rachel: Oh no. You went on our honeymoon alone?
Barry: No. I went with, uh.. Now, this may hurt.
Robbie: Me?!
Barry: No! (To Rachel) I went with Mindy.
Rachel: Mindy?! My maid of honour, Mindy?!
Barry: Yeah, well, uh, we're kind of a thing now.
Rachel: Oh! Well, um.. (Grabs his forehand) You've got plugs!
Barry: Careful! They haven't quite taken yet.
Rachel: And you've got lenses! But you hate sticking your finger in your eye!
Barry: Not for her. Listen, I really wanted to thank you.
Rachel: Okay..
Barry: See, about a month ago, I wanted to hurt you. More than I've ever wanted
to hurt anyone in my life. And I'm an orthodontist.
Rachel: Wow.
Barry: You know, you were right? I mean, I thought we were happy. We weren't
happy. But with Mindy, now I'm happy. Spit.
Rachel: What?
Robbie: Me. (Spits.)
Rachel: Anyway, um, (Gets the ring out of her purse.) I guess this belongs to
you. And thank you for giving it to me.
Barry: Well, thank you for giving it back.
(Barry and Rachel look at each other.)
Robbie: Hello?!
[Scene: Carol's OB/GYN, they're still arguing about what to name the baby.]
Susan: Oh, please! What's wrong with Helen?
Ross: Helen Geller? I don't think so.
Carol: Hello? It's not gonna be Helen Geller.
Ross: Thank you!
Carol: No, I mean it's not Geller.
Ross: What, it's gonna be Helen Willick?
Carol: No, actually, um, we talked about Helen Willick-Bunch.
Ross: Well, wait a minute, wha- why is she in the title?
Susan: It's my baby too.
Ross: Oh, 's'funny, really? Um, I don't remember you making any sperm.
Susan: Yeah, and we all know what a challenge that is!
Carol: All right, you two, stop it!
Ross: No no no, she gets a credit, hey, I'm in there too.
Carol: Ross. You're not actually suggesting Helen Willick-Bunch-Geller? 'Cause I
think that borders on child abuse.
Ross: Of course not, I'm... suggesting Geller-Willick-Bunch.
Susan: Oh, no, nonononono, you see what he's doing? He knows no-one's gonna say
all those names, so they'll wind up calling her Geller, then he gets his way!
Ross: My way?! You-you think this is my way? Believe me, of all the ways I ever
imagined this moment in my life being, this is not my way- y'know what? Uh, um, this is
too hard. I'm not, I can't do-
Dr. Oberman: (entering) Knock knock!How are we today? Any nausea?
All: Yeah. Yeah. A little.
Dr. Oberman: Well, I was just wondering about the mother-to-be, but.. thanks for
sharing. (To Carol) Uh, lie back..
Ross: You- uh- y'know what, I'm gonna go. I don't- I don't think I can be
involved in this particular thing right now.
(He turns to go, but the sound of the sonogram catches hes ear. He returns and
stares at it.)
Ross: Oh my God.
Susan: Look at that.
Carol: I know.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment, everyone is watching the tape of the sonogram.
Rachel is on the phone.]
Ross: Well? Isn't that amazing?
Joey: What are we supposed to be seeing here?
Chandler: I dunno, but.. I think it's about to attack the Enterprise.
Phoebe: You know, if you tilt your head to the left, and relax your eyes, it
kinda looks like an old potato.
Ross: Then don't do that, alright?
Phoebe: Okay!
Ross: (walks over to where Monica is standing)Monica. Whaddya think?
Monica: (welling up) Mm-hmm.
Ross: Wh- are you welling up?
Monica: No.
Ross: You are, you're welling up.
|
The One With The Thumb
The One With the Thumb
Written by: Jeffrey Astrof & Mike Sikowitz.
Transcribed by: guineapig
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe is there.]
Phoebe: (entering) Hi guys!
All: Hey, Pheebs! Hi!
Ross: Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go?
Phoebe: Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said 'We should do this
again!'
All: Ohh. Ouch.
Rachel: What? He said 'we should do it again', that's good, right?
Monica: Uh, no. Loosely translated 'We should do this again' means 'You will
never see me naked'.
Rachel: Since when?
Joey: Since always. It's like dating language. Y'know, like 'It's not you' means
'It is you'.
Chandler: Or 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing
alcoholics and complaining about them to you'.
Phoebe: Or, or, y'know, um, 'I think we should see other people' means 'Ha, ha,
I already am'.
Rachel: And everybody knows this?
Joey: Yeah. Cushions the blow.
Chandler: Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to
sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm.
Ross: That's funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send
our dog off to live on a farm.
Monica: Uh, Ross.
Ross: What? Wh- hello? The Millners' farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had
this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and it was-
it w- .....Oh my God, Chi Chi!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is helping Joey rehearse for a part.]
Chandler: 'So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?'
Joey: 'Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. But you'll have to
live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die.'
Chandler: Hey, that was really good!
Joey: Thanks! Let's keep going.
Chandler: Okay. 'So. Whaddya want from me, Damone, huh?'
Joey: 'I just wanna go back to my cell. 'Cause in my cell, I can
smoke.'
Chandler: 'Smoke away.'
(Joey takes out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He fumbles and drops the
lighter. Then he lights a cigarett, takes a drag, and coughs.)
Chandler: I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone.
Joey: What?
Chandler: Relax your hand!
(Joey lets his wrist go limp.)
Chandler: Not so much!
Joey: Whoah!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Alright, now try taking a puff.
(Joey tries and visibly winces.)
Chandler: Alright.. okay. No. Give it to me.
Joey: No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette.
Chandler: It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here.
(Joey reluctantly gives him the cigarette.)
Chandler: Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been
missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete.
Joey: Y'miss it?
Chandler: Nah, not so much. Alright, now we smoke. (Takes a puff.) Oh.. my..
God. (He continues to smoke.)
[Scene, Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe and Rachel is there.]
Monica: No, no, no. They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a
guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger.
(The guys stretch out their fingers.)
Joey: That's ridiculous!
Ross: Can I use.. either thumb?
Rachel: (carrying a tray of drinks) Alright, don't tell me, don't tell me!
(Starts handing them out.) Decaf cappucino for Joey.. Coffee black.. Late.. And an iced
tea. I'm getting pretty good at this!
All: Yeah. Yeah, excellent.
Rachel: (leaving to serve others) Good for me!
(The gang swaps all the drinks for what they ordered as Phoebe enters. She sits
down without saying hi.)
Joey: Y'okay, Phoebe?
Phoebe: Yeah- no- I'm just- it's, I haven't worked- It's my bank.
Monica: What did they do to you?
Phoebe: It's nothing, it's just- Okay. I'm going through my mail, and I open up
their monthly, you know, STATEMENT-
Ross: Easy.
Phoebe: - and there's five hundred extra dollars in my account.
Chandler: Oh, Satan's minions at work again...
Phoebe: Yes, 'cause now I have to go down there, and deal with them.
Joey: What are you talking about? Keep it!
Phoebe: It's not mine, I didn't earn it, if I kept it, it would be like
stealing.
Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!
Phoebe: Okay. Okay, let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know
what I'd hear, with every step I took? 'Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.' And even if I was
happy, okay, and, and skipping- 'Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine,
not-not-mine'...
|
Monica: We're with you. We got it.
(Chandler leans over the back of the couch out of sight.)
Phoebe: Okay. I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this
giant karmic debt.
Rachel: Chandler, what are you doing?
Monica: (puling him up) Hey. Whaddya doing?
(Chandler tries to shrug nonchalantly but eventually he has to exhale a mouthful of
smoke.)
All: Oh! Oh, God!
Ross: What is this?!
Chandler: I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking.
Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you! You've been so good, for three years!
Chandler: And this- is my reward!
Ross: Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what you went through the last
time you quit.
Chandler: Okay, so this time I won't quit!
All: Ohhh! Put it out!
Chandler: All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out. (He drops it in
Phoebe's coffee.)
Phoebe: Oh, no! I- I can't drink this now!
Monica: Alright. I'm gonna go change, I've got a date.
Rachel: This Alan again? How's it goin'?
Monica: 'S'going pretty good, y'know? It's nice, and, we're having fun.
Joey: So when do we get to meet the guy?
Monica: Let's see, today's Monday... Never.
All: Oh, come on! Come on!
Monica: No. Not after what happened with Steve.
Chandler: What are you talking about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!..
Sorry.
Monica: Look, I don't even know how I feel about him yet. Just give me a chance
to figure that out.
Rachel: Well, then can we meet him?
Monica: Nope. Schhorry.
[Scene: Iridium, Monica and Paula are at work.]
Monica: I mean, why should I let them meet him? I mean, I bring a guy home, and
within five minutes they're all over him. I mean, they're like- coyotes, picking off the
weak members of the herd.
Paula: Listen. As someone who's seen more than her fair share of bad beef, I'll
tell you: that is not such a terrible thing. I mean, they're your friends, they're just
looking out after you.
Monica: I know. I just wish that once, I'd bring a guy home that they actually
liked.
Paula: Well, you do realise the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if
they never get to meet the guy..
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is smoking out on the balcony, Phoebe is absent.]
Joey: Let it go, Ross.
Ross: Yeah, well, you didn't know Chi Chi.
Monica: Do you all promise?
All: Yeah! We promise! We'll be good!
Monica: (shouts to Chandler) Chandler? Do you promise to be good?
(Chandler makes a 'Cross my heart' sign. It starts to rain and he taps on the
window.)
Joey: You can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside!
(Chandler sulkilty picks up a garbage can lid and uses it as an umbrella.)
(Phoebe enters, walks to the couch, sits down, and begins to read a letter without
saying hi.)
Ross: Hey, Pheebs.
Phoebe: 'Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have
credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and
hope you'll accept this- (Searches in her purse) -football phone as our free gift.'
Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone!
Rachel: What bank is this?
(The intercom buzzes.)
Monica: Hey. It's him. (On the intercom) Who is it?
Alan: (on the intercom) It's Alan.
Joey: (shouting to Chandler) Chandler! He's here!
(Chandler comes in, dripping wet.)
Monica: (to all) Okay, please be good, please. Just remember how much you
all like me.
(She opens the door and Alan enters.)
Monica: Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan.
Alan: Hi.
All: Hi, Alan.
Alan: I've heard schho much about all you guyschh!
(Everyone laughs.)
[Time lapse, Alan is leaving.]
Monica: (to Alan) Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow. (Alan exits, to all) Okay.
Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin. Who's gonna take the first shot, hmm?
(Silence.)
Monica: C'mon!
Ross: ...I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept picking at- no, I'm sorry, I
can't do this, can't do this. We loved him.
All: Loved him! Yeah! He's great!
Monica: Wait a minute! We're talking about someone that I'm going out
with?
All: Yeah!
Rachel: And did you notice...? (She spreads her thumb and index finger.)
The Guys: (reluctantly) Yeah.
Joey: Know what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked.
Phoebe: Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe!
|
Ross: ...What shoe?
Phoebe: From the nursery rhyme. 'There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked
smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...'
(Dubious pause.)
Ross: ...So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future
boyfriends will be measured.
Rachel: What future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I think this could be, y'know, it.
Monica: Really!
Chandler: Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhof impression alone.
You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right? (Does the impression)
Ross: You know what I like most about him, though?
All: What?
Ross: The way he makes me feel about myself.
All: Yeah...
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is alone as Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Joey enter
dejectedly in softball gear.]
Monica: Hi.. how was the game?
Ross: Well..
All: WE WON!! Thank you! Yes!
Monica: Fantastic! I have one question: How is that possible?
Joey: Alan.
Ross: He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where
Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs it was first base-Alan,
second base-Alan, third base-...
Rachel: I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team.
Chandler: Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic jewellers a thing or two about
softball..
Monica: Can I ask you guys a question? D'you ever think that Alan is maybe..
sometimes..
Ross: What?
Monica: ..I dunno, a little too Alan?
Rachel: Well, no. That's impossible. You can never be too Alan.
Ross: Yeah, it's his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-that-that we adore.
Chandler: I personally could have a gallon of Alan.
[Scene: A street, Phoebe walks up to a homeless person (Lizzie) she knows.]
Phoebe: Hey, Lizzie.
Lizzie: Hey, Weird Girl.
Phoebe: I brought you alphabet soup.
Lizzie: Did you pick out the vowels?
Phoebe: Yes. But I left in the Ys. 'Cause, y'know, 'sometimes y'. Uh,
I also have something else for you. (She searches in her purse.)
Lizzie: Saltines?
Phoebe: No, but would you like a thousand dollars and a football phone?
Lizzie: What? (She opens the envelope Phoebe has given her.) Oh my God, there's
really money in here.
Phoebe: I know.
Lizzie: Weird Girl, what are you doing?
Phoebe: No, I want you to have it. I don't want it.
Lizzie: No, no, I ha-I have to give you something.
Phoebe: Oh, that's fine, no.
Lizzie: Would you like my tin-foil hat?
Phoebe: No. 'Cause you need that. No, it's okay, thanks.
Lizzie: Please, let me do something.
Phoebe: Okay, alright, you buy me a soda, and then we're even. Okay?
Lizzie: Okay.
Phoebe: Okay.
[Scene: Chandler's office, Chandler looks around, opens his desk drawer, takes a puff
of a cigarette, sprays around some air freshener, and takes some breath spray. He
types for a little while, opens the drawer again, and takes another drag of the cigarette.
While not paying attention, he sprays the breath spray around the room, takes a
squirt of air freshener and gags.]
[Scene: A Street, Phoebe and Lizzie are at a hot dog vendor.]
Lizzie: Keep the change. (To Phoebe) Sure you don't wanna pretzel?
Phoebe: No, I'm fine.
Lizzie: (leaves) See ya.
(Phoebe opens the can and reacts.)
Phoebe: Huh!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is telling everyone about her discovery.]
Ross: A thumb?!
(Phoebe nods.)
All: Eww!
Phoebe: I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there,
like this tiny little hitch-hiker!
Chandler: Well, maybe it's a contest, y'know? Like, collect all five?
Phoebe: Does, um, anyone wanna see?
All: Nooo!
(Chandler lights a cigarette.)
All: Oh, hey, don't do that! Cut it out!
Rachel: It's worse than the thumb!
Chandler: Hey, this is so unfair!
Monica: Oh, why is it unfair?
Chandler: So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking
isn't annoying? And Ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word? And Monica, with
that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? ...I accept all those
flaws, why can't you accept me for this?
(An awkward silence ensues.)
Joey: ...Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody?
Rachel: Well, I-I could live without it.
Joey: Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when Phoebe chews her
hair?
(Phoebe spits out her hair.)
Ross: Oh, now, don't listen to him, Pheebs, I think it's endearing.
Joey: Oh, (Imitating Ross) 'you do, do you'?
(Monica laughs and snorts.)
|
Ross: You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly.
Rachel: 'Indeed there isn't'... I should really get back to work.
Phoebe: Yeah, 'cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered.
Rachel: Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on.
(They degenerate into bickering and Chandler happily starts to smoke, undisturbed.)
[Scene: Iridium, Monica and Paula are working.]
Monica: Did you ever go out with a guy your friends all really like?
Paula: No.
Monica: Okay.. Well, I'm going out with a guy my friends all really like.
Paula: Waitwait.. we talking about the coyotes here? All right, a cow got
through!
Monica: Can you believe it? ...Y'know what? I just don't feel the thing.
I mean, they feel the thing, I don't feel the thing.
Paula: Honey.. you should always feel the thing. Listen, if that's how
you feel about the guy, Monica, dump him!
Monica: I know.. it's gonna be really hard.
Paula: Well, he's a big boy, he'll get over it.
Monica: No, he'll be fine. It's the other five I'm worried about.
[Scene: Cental Perk, Joey and Ross are persecuting Chandler about his smoking.]
Joey: Do you have any respect for your body?
Ross: Don't you realise what you're-you're doing to yourself?
Chandler: Hey, y'know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your
emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it.
Rachel: (holding the phone out to Chandler) Chandler? It's Alan, he wants to
speak to you.
Chandler: Really? He does? (taking the phone) Hey, buddy, what's up! Oh, she
told you about that, huh. Well, yeah, I have one now and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it's
not that big- ..well, that's true,.. Gee, y'know, no-one- no-one's ever put it like that
before. Well, okay, thanks! (He hands the phone back and stubs out his cigarette.)
Rachel: (to Ross, who has wandered up) God, he's good.
Ross: If only he were a woman.
Rachel: Yeah.
(They give each other a dubious look.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyond except Monica and Joey is watching Lambchop.]
Chandler: Ooh, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for
thirty years it'd be talking too.
Ross: Okay. I think it's time to change somebody's nicotine patch. (Does so.)
Monica: (entering) Hey. Where's Joey?
Chandler: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was
wrong?
Rachel: I think he's across the hall.
Monica: Thanks. (Goes to fetch him.)
Ross: (finishing changing Chandler's nicotine patch) There y'go.
Chandler: (deadpan) Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now.
Ross: Hey Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart?.. Pheebs?
Phoebe: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart?
Ross: Hey, I might!
Phoebe: Sorry. ..Y'know, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars
for the thumb.
All: You're kidding. Oh my God.
Phoebe: And on my way over here, I stepped in gum. ...What is up with the
universe?!
Joey: (dragged in by Monica, he has just gotten out of the shower) What's going
on?
Monica: Nothing. I just think it's nice when we're all here together.
Joey: Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear..
Rachel: Uh, Joey..
Joey: Oh, God! (Hurriedly closes his legs.)
Monica: (turns off the TV) Okay..
All: Oh! That was Lambchop!
Monica: Please, guys, we have to talk.
Phoebe: Wait, wait, I'm getting a deja vu...no, I'm not.
Monica: Alright, we have to talk.
Phoebe: There it is!
Monica: Okay. It's-it's about Alan. There's something that you should know. I
mean, there's really no easy way to say this.. uh.. I've decided to break up with Alan.
(They all gasp and clutch each other.)
Ross: Is there somebody else?
Monica: No, nononono.. it's just.. things change. People change.
Rachel: We didn't change..
Joey: So that's it? It's over? Just like that?
Phoebe: You know.. you let your guard down, you start to really care about
someone, and I just- I- (starts chewing her hair)
Monica: Look, I- I could go on pretending-
Joey: Okay!
Monica: -but that wouldn't be fair to me, it wouldn't be fair to Alan- It
wouldn't be fair to you!
Ross: Who-who wants fair? Y'know, I just want things back. Y'know, the way they
were.
Monica: I'm sorry..
Chandler: (sarcastic) Oh, she's sorry! I feel better!
Rachel: (tearful) I just can't believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming
up- I wanted him to meet my family-
Monica: I'll meet somone else. There'll be other Alans.
All: Oh, yeah! Right!
|
The One With George Stephanopoulos
The One With George Stephanopoulos
Written by: Alexa Junge
Transcribed by: guineapig
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except Joey.]
Monica: Alright. Phoebe?
Phoebe: Okay, okay. If I were omnipotent for a day,
I would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain-forest...And
bigger boobs!
Ross: Yeah, see.. you took mine. Chandler, what
about you?
Chandler: Uh, if I were omnipotent for a day, I'd..
make myself omnipotent forever.
Rachel: See, there's always one guy. (Mocking)
'If I had a wish, I'd wish for three more wishes.' (Joey enters.)
All: Hey Joey. Hi. Hey, buddy.
Monica: Hey, Joey, what would you do if you were
omnipotent?
Joey: Probably kill myself!
Monica: ..Excuse me?
Joey: Hey, if Little Joey's dead, then I got no
reason to live!
Ross: Joey, uh- OMnipotent.
Joey: You are? Ross, I'm sorry..
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Monica are watching Phoebe
sleep.]
Monica: How does she do that?
Ross: I cannot sleep in a public place.
Monica: Would you look at her? She is so peaceful.
Phoebe: (waking and startling them) Oh! What what
what! ...Hi.
Ross: It's okay, y'know, you just nodded off again.
Monica: What's going on with you?
Phoebe: I got no sleep last night!
Ross: Why?
Phoebe: My grandmother has this new boyfriend, and
they're both kind of insecure in bed. Oh, and deaf. So they're constantly, like, having to
reassure each other that they're having a good time. You have no idea how loud they are!
Monica: Well, if you want, you can stay with Rachel
and me tonight.
Phoebe: Thanks.
(Chandler and Joey enter. Joey is counting his
steps.)
Joey: ...Ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven. See,
I told you! Less than a hundred steps from our place to here.
Chandler: You got waaaay too much free time.
Joey: (to Ross) Hey! Here's the birthday boy! Ross,
check it out: hockey tickets, Rangers-Penguins, tonight at the Garden, and we're taking
you.
Chandler: Happy birthday, pal!
Joey: We love you, man. (Kisses Ross)
Ross: Funny, my birthday was seven months ago.
Joey: So?
Ross: So, I'm guessing you had an extra ticket and
couldn't decide which one of you got to bring a date?
Chandler: Well, aren't we Mr. 'The glass is
half empty.'
Ross: Oh my God, oh- is today the twentieth, October
twentieth?
Monica: Oh, I was hoping you wouldn't remember.
Ross: Ohhh.
Joey: What's wrong with the twentieth?
Chandler: Eleven days before Halloween.. all the
good costumes are gone?
Ross: Today's the day Carol and I first..
consummated our physical relationship. (Joey is puzzled.) Sex. ..You know what, I-I'd
better pass on the game. I think I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her
lesbian lover.
Joey: The hell with hockey, let's all do that!
Chandler: (trying to stop Ross leaving) C'mon, Ross!
You, me, Joey, ice, guys' night out, c'mon, whaddya say, big guy, (Pretending to punch him
in the stomach.) Huh? Huh? Huh?
Ross: What are you doing?
Chandler: (stops) I have no idea.
Joey: C'mon, Ross!
Ross: Alright, alright, maybe it'll take my mind off
it. Do you promise to buy me a big thumb finger?
Chandler: You got it.
(Rachel runs up cluching an envelope.)
Rachel: Look-look-look-look-look, my first pay
check! Look at the window, there's my name! Hi, me!
Phoebe: I remember the day I got my first pay check.
There was a cave in in one of the mines, and eight people were killed.
Monica: Wow, you worked in a mine?
Phoebe: I worked in a Dairy Queen, why?
Rachel: God, isn't this exciting? I earned this. I
wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was totally (opens
envelope) not worth it. Who's FICA? Why's he getting all my money? I mean, what-
Chandler, look at that.
Chandler: (looking) Oh, this is not that bad.
Joey: Oh, you're fine, yeah, for a first job.
Ross: You can totally, totally live on this.
Monica: Yeah, yeah.
Ross: Oh, by the way, great service
tonight.
All: Oh! Yeah!
(They all get their wallets out and give generous tips.)
Guys: Hockey! (They go to leave but are
blocked by three of Rachel's friends, Leslie, Kiki, and Joanne. The guys pause to
stare at them.) Hockey! Hockey. (The guys.)
Leslie: (looking around) Rachel?
Rachel: Oh my God! (Rachel, Leslie, Kiki, and Joanne
all scream and hug each other.
|
Monica: (to Phoebe) I swear I've seen birds do this
on Wild Kingdom.
Rachel: What are you guys doing here?
Kiki: Well, we were in the city shopping,
and your mom said you work here, aaand it's true!
Joanne: Look at you in the apron.
You look like you're in a play.
Rachel: (to a pregnant Leslie) Look at you, you are
so big I can't believe it!
Leslie: I know. I know! I'm a duplex.
Rachel: (to Joanne) So what's going on with you?
Joanne: Well, guess who my dad's
making partner in his firm? (She points to herself and they all scream again.)
Kiki: And while we're on the subject of
news.. (She holds up here finger to show off her engagement ring and they all scream
again.)
Phoebe: (to Monica) Look, look, I have elbows! (They
scream.)
[Scene: A Street, Chandler and Joey are kicking a can to
each other.]
Chandler: ...Poulet passes it up to Leetch! (Passes
it to Joey.)
Joey: Leetch spots Messier in the crease- there's
the pass! (He kicks it to Ross, but Ross is staring into a shop window.)
Chandler: We'll take a brief time out while Messier
stops to look at some women's shoes.
Ross: Carol was wearing boots just like those the
night that we- we first- y'know. Fact, she, uh- she never took'em off, 'cause we-we- (off
Chandler's look) Sorry. Sorry.
(They walk on. Chandler and Joey start to talk but
Ross stops and whines.)
Joey: What?
Ross: Peach pit.
Chandler: Yes, Bunny?
Ross: (points) Peach pit. That night we, uh- we had-
Joey: -Peaches?
Ross: Actually, nectarines, but basically...
Chandler: (to Joey) Could've been a peach.
Ross: Then, uh, then we got dressed, and I-I... I
walked her to the- (looks up, realises, and points) -the bus stop... I'm fine.
Joey: Hey, that woman's got an ass like Carol's!
(They turn to stare at him.) What? Thought we were trying to find stuff.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Lesile, Kiki, and Joanne are
talking.]
Rachel: So c'mon, you guys, tell me all the dirt!
Kiki: Well, the biggest news is still you dumping
Barry at the altar!
Joanne: Alright. Let's talk reality for a second.
Rachel: Okay.
Joanne: When are you coming home?
Rachel: What? Guys, I'm not.
Joanne: C'mon, this is us.
Rachel: I'm not! This is what I'm doing now. I've
got this job-
Kiki: Waitressing?
Rachel: Okay, I'm not just waitressing. I'm.. I,
um... I write the specials on the specials board, and, uh... and I, uh... I take the uh
dead flowers out of the vase... Oh, and, um, sometimes Artelle lets me put the little
chocolate blobbies on the cookies.
Leslie: Well. Your mom didn't tell us
about the blobbies.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are in
pajamas and Monica is making something in the blender as Rachel enters.]
Monica: Hey, Rach. How was it with your friends?
(She and Phoebe scream.) Okay! How would you like some Tiki Death Punch? (She pours the
contents of the blender into some glasses.)
Rachel: What's that?
Monica: Weeeell, it's rum, and-
Rachel: Okay. (Grabs the blender and starts to
drink.)
Monica: We thought since Phoebe was staying over
tonight we'd have kinda like a slumber party thing. We got some trashy magazines, we got
cookie dough, we got Twister... (The phone rings and Monica answers it.)
Phoebe: Ooh! Ooh! And I brought Operation!
But, um, I lost the tweezers, so we can't operate. But we can prep the guy!
Monica: Uh, Rach, it's the Visa card
people.
Rachel: Oh, God, ask them what they want.
Monica: (on phone) Could you please tell me what
this is in reference to? (Listens) Yes, hold on. (To Rachel) Um, they say there's been
some unusual activity on your account.
Rachel: But I haven't used my card in weeks!
Monica: That is the unusual
activity. Look, they just wanna see if you're okay.
Rachel: They wanna know if I'm okay. Okay.. they
wanna know if I'm okay, okay, let's see. Well, let's see, the FICA guys took all my money,
everyone I know is either getting married, or getting promoted, or getting pregnant, and
I'm getting coffee! And it's not even for me! So if that sounds like I'm okay, okay, then
you can tell them I'm okay, okay?
Monica: (pauses then on the phone) Uh- Rachel has
left the building, can you call back?
Rachel: Alright, c'mon! (Miserably) Let's play Twister!
[Scene: Madison Square Garden, the guys are trying
to find their seats.]
Ross: (squeezing past people) Sorry, sorry... Uh-oh.
|
Chandler: What? There was ice there that night with
Carol? Plastic seats? Four thousand angry Pittsburgh fans?
Ross: No, actually I was just saying it looks like
we're not sitting together. But now you mention it, there was ice there that
night... It was the first frost...
Joey: C'mon, sit. Just sit down, sit.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, they're all hanging out in the
living room.]
Monica: You should feel great about yourself! You're
doing this amazing independence thing!
Rachel: Monica, what is so amazing? I gave up, like,
everything. And for what?
Phoebe: You are just like Jack.
Rachel: ...Jack from downstairs?
Phoebe: No, Jack and the Beanstalk.
Monica: Ah, the other Jack.
Phoebe: Yeah, right! See, he gave up something, but
then he got those magic beans. And then he woke up, and there was this, this big plant
outside his window, full of possibilities and stuff.. And he lived in a village, and you
live in the Village..
Rachel: Okay, but Pheebs, Pheebs, Jack gave up a
cow, I gave up an orthodontist. Okay, I-I-I know, I know I didn't love him-
Phoebe: Oh, see, Jack did love the cow.
Rachel: But see, it was a plan. Y'know, it was
clear. It was figured out, and now everything's just kinda like...
Phoebe: Floopy?
Rachel: Yeah.
Monica: So what, you're not the only one. I mean,
half the time we don't know where we're going. You've just gotta figure at some point it's
all gonna come together, and it's just gonna be... un-floopy.
Phoebe: Oh, like that's a word.
Rachel: Okay, but Monica, what if- what if it
doesn't come together?
Monica: ...Pheebs?
Phoebe: Oh, well... 'cause.... you just... I don't
like this question.
Rachel: Okay, see, see, you guys, what if we don't
get magic beans? I mean, what if all we've got are.. beans?
[Scene: Madison Square Garden, the guys are
watching the game.]
Ross: Get him! GET HIM! Get him! Get- YESSS! Not
laughing now, are ya pal!
Chandler: (to Ross) See buddy, that's all you need,
a bunch of toothless guys hitting each other with sticks.
Ross: Pass it! Pass it!
Chandler: He's open!
All: Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!
(The player shoots and the puck flies off the rink and hits
Ross in the face. Chandler looks concered until he notices...)
Chandler: Hey, look, we're on that TV thing!
(Chandler and Joey hold the puck and wave at the TV thing.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: An Emergency Room, Chandler and Joey are leading
Ross in.]
Chandler: (to the receptionist)'Scuse me.
Receptionist: (holds up her hand she is on the
phone) It says to call this number if you're not completely satisfied with this candy bar.
Well, I'm not completely satisfied.
Chandler: Listen, it's kind of an emergency. Well, I
guess you know that, or we'd be in the predicament room. (The receptionist glares at him.)
Receptionist: (on phone) Hold on. (To Chandler) Fill
these out, sit over there. (Tosses him some forms.)
Ross: (jumping to his feet) Look, I don't wanna make
any trouble, okay, but I'm in a lot of pain here, alright? My face is dented.
Receptionist: Well, you'll have to wait your turn.
Joey: Well, how long do you think it'll be?
Receptionist: (sarcastic) Any minute now.
Ross: Hey, this- (she gives him a look and the guys
back off) Heyy...
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the slumber party continues.]
Rachel: I'm so sorry, you guys. I didn't mean to
bring you down.
Monica: No, you were right. I don't have a plan.
(There's a knock on the door.)
Pizza Guy: (yelling from outside) Pizza
guy!
Rachel: Thank God. Food. (She goes to answer the
door.)
Monica: Phoebe?
Phoebe: What?
Monica: Do you have a plan?
Phoebe: I don't even have a 'pl'.
Pizza Guy: Hi, one, uh, mushroom, green
pepper and onion?
Rachel: (miserably) No, no, that's not what we
ordered... We ordered a fat-free crust with extra cheese.
Pizza Guy: Wait, you're not
'G.Stephanopoulos?' Man, my dad's gonna kill me!
Monica: (leaping off of the couch and runs up) Wait!
Did you say 'G.Stephanopoulos?'
Pizza Guy: Yeah. This one goes across the
street, I must have given him yours. Oh, bonehead, bonehead!
Monica: Wait, was this a-a small mediterranean guy
with curiously intelligent good looks?
Pizza Guy: Yeah, that sounds about right.
Monica: Was he wearing a stunning blue suit?
Phoebe: And-and a power tie?
Pizza Guy: No, pretty much just a towel.
Monica: (staggered) Oh God.
Pizza Guy: So you guys want me to take
this back?
|
Monica: Are you nuts?! We've got George
Stephanopoulos' pizza! (Rachel pays him, Monica grabs some binoculars, and runs to the
window.)
Rachel: Uh, Pheebs? Who's George Snuffalopagus?
Phoebe: Big Bird's friend.
Monica: I see pizza!
Phoebe: Oh, I wanna see! Lemme see! Lemme see! (She
runs up and takes the binoculars.)
Rachel: Hello? Who are we spying on?
Monica: White House adviser? Clinton's campaign guy?
The one with the great hair, sexy smile, really cute butt?
Rachel: Oh, him, the little guy? Oh, I love him!
Phoebe: Ooh, wait.. wait, I see a woman.
Monica: Please tell me it's his mother.
Phoebe: Definitely not his mother.
Monica: Oh, no...
Phoebe: Oh, wait, she's walking across the floor..
she's walking.. she's walking.. she's going for the pizza- (Yelling) Hey, that's not for
you, bitch! (Phoebe covers her mouth with her hand walks away from the window.)
[Scene: The Emergency Room, Joey is miming hockey pucks
kitting foreheads. Chandler realises it's getting tense and goes to the receptionist
again.]
Chandler: Excuse me, look, we've been here for over
an hour, and a lot of people less sick than my friend have gone in. I mean, that guy with
the toe thing? Who's he sleeping with? (She slides the gladd panel over and Chandler talks
through it in a loud voice.) Oh, c'mon Dora, don't be mad... I know we both said some
things we didn't mean, but that doesn't mean we still don't love each other. (To the
waiting room.) Y'know, I feel like I've lost her.. (She slides the panel back, he turns,
and it takes him by surprise.) Ba-!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are all out on the
balcony.]
Monica: Light still out?
Rachel: Yeah.
Monica: Oh. Maybe they're- napping.
Rachel: Oh please, they're having sex.
Monica and Phoebe: Shut up!
Rachel: So, whaddya think George is like?
Monica: I think he's shy.
Phoebe: Yeah?
Monica: Yeah. I think you have to draw him out. And
then- when you do- he's a preppy animal.
[Scene: The Emergency Room, Ross is still going on about
his first night with Carol.]
Ross: I remember the moonlight coming through the
window- and her face had the most incredible glow.
Chandler: Yes, the moon, the glow, the magical
feeling, you did this part- Could I get some painkillers over here, please?
Joey: He's right, enough, already. What is the big
deal about today? So you slept with her for the first time, so what? You slept with her
for seven years after that.
Ross: Look, it's just a little more complicated...
Chandler: Well, what? What? What is it? That she
left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another woman that likes women?
Ross: Little louder, okay, I think there's a man on
the twelfth floor in a coma that didn't quite hear you...
Chandler: Then what?
Ross: My first time with Carol was... (He mumbles
the last part)
Joey: What?
Ross: It was my first time.
Joey: With Carol? (Ross gives him a look.) Oh.
Chandler: So in your whole life, you've only been
with one (He gets a look too) oh.
Joey: Whoah, boy, hockey was a big mistake! There
was a whole bunch of stuff we could've done tonight!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are still out on the
balcony.]
Monica: Okay. Okay, I got one. Do you remember that
vegetarian pate that I made that you loved so much?
Phoebe: Uh-huh.
Monica: Well, unless goose is a vegetable...ha
haaaah!
Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay, fine, fine. Now I don't
feel so bad about sleeping with Jason Hurley.
Monica: What?! You slept with Jason?
Phoebe: You'd already broken up.
Rachel: How long?
Phoebe: A couple hours.
Monica: Oh, that's nice!
Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, I got one! (She sits up
and the cushion she was leaning against falls off of the balcony.) Anyway- The valentine
Tommy Rollerson left in your locker was really from me.
Monica: Excuse me?!
Rachel: Hello? Like he was really gonna send you
one? (To Phoebe) She was a big girl.
Monica: Really. Well, at least 'big girls' don't pee
in their pants in seventh grade!
Rachel: I was laughing! You made me laugh! (Monica
and Rachel start to squabble)
Phoebe: There he is! There he is!
Monica: Where?
Phoebe: Right- where we've been looking all night!
Rachel: He is so cute!
Monica: Oh, George, baby, drop the towel!
All: Yeah, drop it! Drop the towel! Please drop
the (pause) wowww.
[Scene: The Emergency Room, Ross is absent.]
|
The One With the East German Laundry Detergent
The One With the East German Laundry Detergent
Written by: Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss
Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips
With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein
[Scene: Central Perk, all six are there.]
Monica: Would you let it go? It's not that big a deal.
Ross: Not that big a deal? It's amazing. Ok, you just reach in there, there's
one little maneuver, and bam, a bra right out the sleeve. All right, as far as I'm
concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right?
Rachel: Come on! You guys can pee standing up.
Chandler: We can? All right, I'm tryin' that.
Joey: Ok, you know what blows my mind? Women can see breasts any time they want.
You just look down and there they are. How you get any work done is beyond me.
Phoebe: Oh, ok, you know what I don't get? The way guys can do so many mean
things, and then not even care.
(Long pause.)
Ross: Multiple orgasms!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, all are there.]
Chandler: So, Saturday night, the big night, date night, Saturday night,
Sat-ur-day night!
Joey: No plans, huh?
Chandler: Not a one.
Ross: Not even, say, breaking up with Janice?
Chandler: Oh, right, right, shut up.
Monica: Chandler, nobody likes breaking up with someone. You just gotta do it.
Chandler: No, I know, but it's just so hard, you know? I mean, you're sitting
there with her, she has no idea what's happening, and then you finally get up the courage
to do it, and there's the horrible awkward moment when you've handed her the note.
Joey: Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man, just stop calling.
Phoebe: You know, if you want, I'll do it with you.
Chandler: Oh, thanks, but I think she'd feel like we're gangin' up on her.
Phoebe: No, I mean you break up with Janice and I'll break up with Tony.
Ross: Tony?
Monica: Oh, you're breaking up with Tony?
Phoebe: Yeah, I know, he's sweet, but it's just not fun anymore, you know? I
don't know if it's me, or his hunger strike, or, I don't know.
Rachel: (waitressing) Does anybody want anything else?
Ross: Oh, yeah, last week you had a wonderful, nutty, chocolatey kind of a cakey
pie thing. (Rachel gives him a dirty look) Nothing, just, just, I'm fine.
Phoebe: (to Rachel) What's the matter? Why so scrunchy?
Rachel: It's my father. He wants to give me a Mercedes convertible.
Ross: That guy, he burns me up.
Rachel: Yeah, well, it's a Mercedes if I move back home. Oh, it was horrible. He
called me young lady.
Chandler: Ooh, I hate when my father calls me that.
Monica: Did he give you that whole 'You're-not-up-to-this' thing
again?
Rachel: Oh, yeah, yeah. Actually, I got the extended disco version, with three
choruses of 'You'll never make it on your own'.
Phoebe: (rhythmically) Uh-huh, uh-huh.
(Angela, a beautiful woman in a tight dress, enters.)
Angela: Hi, Joey.
Joey: My god, Angela.
(Angela takes a seat at the counter.)
Monica: Wow, being dumped by you obviously agrees with her.
Phoebe: Are you gonna go over there?
Joey: No, yeah, no, ok, but not yet. I don't wanna seem too eager. One
Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi. That seems pretty cool. (he walks over to
her) Hey, Angela.
Angela: (casually) Joey.
Joey: You look good.
Angela: That's because I'm wearing a dress that accents my boobs.
Joey: You don't say.
(Cut to Ross and Rachel, talking next to one of the tables.)
Ross: So, uh, Rachel, what are you, uh, what're you doing tonight?
Rachel: Oh, big glamour night. Me and Monica at Laundorama.
Ross: Oh, you uh, you wanna hear a freaky coincidence? Guess who's doing laundry
there too?
Rachel: Who?
Ross: Me. Was that not clear? Hey, why don't, um, why don't I just join you
both, here?
Rachel: Don't you have a laundry room in your building?
Ross: Yes, I do have a laundry room in my building, um, but there's a.... rat
problem. Apparently they're attracted to the dryer sheets, and they're goin' in fine, but
they're comin' out all.... fluffy. Anyway, say, sevenish?
Rachel: Sure.
(Cut back to Joey and Angela at the counter.)
Angela: Forget it Joey. I'm with Bob now.
Joey: Bob? Who the hell's Bob?
Angela: Bob is great. He's smart, he's sophisticated, and he has a real job.
You, you go on three auditions a month and you call yourself an actor, but Bob...
Joey: Come on, we were great together. And not just at the fun stuff, but like,
talking too.
Angela: Yeah, well, sorry, Joe. You said let's just be friends, so guess what?
Joey: What?
Angela: We're just friends.
|
Joey: Fine, fine, so, why don't the four of us go out and have dinner together
tonight? You know, as friends?
Angela: What four of us?
Joey: You know, you and Bob, and me and my girlfriend, uh, uh, Monica.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment, Joey is there, trying to convince Monica to pose
as his girlfriend. His plan is to hook Monica up with Angela's boyfriend Bob and then take
Angela back for himself.]
Joey: Monica, I'm tellin' you, this guy is perfect for you.
Monica: Forget it. Not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet.
Joey: Come on. This guy's great. His name's Bob. He's Angela's... brother. He's
smart, he's sophisticated, and he has a real job. Me, I go on three auditions a month and
call myself an actor, but Bob is...
Monica: (looking out window) Oh, god help us.
Joey: What?
Monica: Ugly Naked Guy's laying kitchen tile. Eww!
Joey: Eww! Look, I'm asking a favor here. If I do this for her brother, maybe
Angela will come back to me.
Monica: What's going on here? You go out with tons of girls.
Joey: (proud) I know, but, I made a huge mistake. I never should have broken up
with her. Will you help me? Please?
[Scene: Ross' apartment, Chandler is over.]
Ross: (on phone) Ok, bye. (hangs up) Well, Monica's not coming, it's just gonna
be me and Rachel.
Chandler: Oh. Well, hold on camper, are you sure you've thought this thing
through?
Ross: It's laundry. The thinking through is minimal.
Chandler: It's just you and Rachel, just the two of you? This is a date. You're
going on a date.
Ross: Nuh-uh.
Chandler: Yuh-huh.
Ross: So what're you saying here? I should shave again, pick up some wine, what?
Chandler: Well, you may wanna rethink the dirty underwear. This is basically the
first time she's gonna see your underwear you want it to be dirty?
Ross: (sheepish) No.
Chandler: Oh, and uh, the fabric softener?
Ross: Ok, ok, now what is wrong with my Snuggles? What, it says I'm a
sensitive, warm kinda guy, you know, like a warm, fuzzy bear. Ok, I can pick something
else up on the way.
Chandler: There you go.
[Scene: A fancy restaurant, Joey and Monica are there, meeting Angela and Bob, who
Monica thinks is Angela's brother.]
Monica: Thank you. So what does this Bob guy look like? Is he tall? Short?
Joey: Yep.
Monica: Which?
Joey: Which what?
Monica: You've never met Bob, have you?
Joey: No, but he's...
Monica: Oh my god, Joey, for all we know this guy could be horribly...
(Angela and Bob walk in. Bob is good-looking.)
Angela: Hey, Joey.
Monica: ...horribly attractive. I'll be shutting up now.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Phoebe are there, both ready to break up with their
significant others.]
Chandler: Where are they? Where are they?
Phoebe: This is nice. We never do anything just the two of us.
Chandler: It's great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some
puppies.
Phoebe: Eww, I don't wanna do that.
(Janice and Phoebe's boyfriend, Tony, walk in.)
Chandler: Here we go.
Phoebe: Ok, have a good break-up.
Chandler: Hey, Janice.
Janice: Oh, my god, I am so glad you called me. I had the most supremely awful
day.
Chandler: Hey, that's not good. Can I get an espresso and a latte over here,
please?
Janice: We got the proofs back from that photo shoot, you know, the one with the
little vegetables. Anyway, they pretty much sucked, so, I blew off the rest of the day,
and I went shopping...(looks through her bags)... and I got you, I'm looking, I'm looking,
I'm looking, I got you...
(Chandler sees Phoebe breaking up with Tony. She talks to him for a few seconds, hugs
him, and then he leaves. Chandler is amazed how easy it was for her.)
Chandler: What?
Janice: What?
Chandler: (covering) What... did you get me there?
Janice: I got you...these. (pulls out a pair of socks)
Chandler: Bullwinkle socks. That's so sweet.
Janice: Well, I knew you had the Rockys, and so I figured, you know, you can
wear Bullwinkle and Bullwinkle, or you can wear Rocky and Rocky,or, you can mix and match,
moose and squirrel. Whatever you want.
Chandler: That's great.
(The drinks arrive, and Chandler downs his espresso in one gulp.)
Chandler: Well, I'm gonna get another espresso. Can I get you another latte?
Janice: (holding the full cup) No, no, I'm still working on mine.
(Chandler walks over to the counter where Phoebe is, and is asking her about the
break-up.)
Chandler: That's it?
Phoebe: Yeah, it was really hard.
Chandler: Oh, yeah, that hug looked pretty brutal.
Phoebe: Ok, you weren't there.
[Scene: The Launderama, Rachel is there, waiting for Ross. An old woman takes Rachel's
clothes off the machine and begins loading it with her things.]
Woman: Comin' through. Move, move.
|
Rachel: Oh, 'scuse me. I was kinda using that machine.
Woman: Yeah, well, now you're kinda not.
Rachel: But I saved it. I put my basket on top.
Woman: Oh, I'm sorry, is that your basket? It's really pretty. Unfortunately, I
don't see suds.
Rachel: What?
Woman: No suds, no save. Ok?
(Ross arrives.)
Ross: What's goin' on?
Rachel: Hi, uh, nothing. That horrible woman just took my machine.
Ross: Was your basket on top?
Rachel: Yeah, but, there were no suds.
Ross: So?
Rachel: Well, you know, no suds, no save.
Ross: No suds? Excuse me, hold on a second. (to woman) That's my friend's
machine.
Woman: Hey, hey, hey, her stuff wasn't in it.
Ross: Hey, hey, hey, that's not the rule and you know it.
(The woman and Ross stare at each other. Finally she takes her stuff out of the machine
and leaves.)
Ross: (to the crowd in the laundromat) All right, show's over. Nothing to see
here. (to Rachel) Ok, let's do laundry.
Rachel: That was amazing. I can't even send back soup.
Ross: Well, that's because you're such a sweet, gentle, uh...Do you, uh, do
you...Oh, hey, uh you must need detergent.
(Ross pulls out a huge box of laundry detergent.)
Rachel: What's that?
Ross: Uberveiss. It's new, it's German, it's extra-tough.
(Rachel starts to load her clothes.)
Ross: Rach, do you uh, are you gonna separate those?
Rachel: Oh god. Oh, am I being like a total laundry spaz? I mean, am I supposed
to use like one machine for shirts and another machine for pants?
Ross: Rach, have you never done this before?
Rachel: Well, not myself, but I know other people that have. Ok, you caught me.
I'm a laundry virgin.
Ross: Uh, well, don't worry, I'll use the gentle cycle. Ok, um, basically you
wanna use one machine for all your whites, a whole nother machine for colors, and a third
for your uh, your uh, delicates, and that would be your bras and your under-panty things.
Rachel: (holds a pair of panties in front of Ross) Ok, Well, what about these
are white cotton panties. Would they go with whites or delicates?
Ross: (visibly nervous) Uh, that, that, that would be a judgment call.
[Scene: Fancy restaurant, Monica, Joey, Angela, and Bob are seated at the table.]
Monica: (to Joey) He is so cute. (to Angela and Bob) So, where did you guys grow
up?
Angela: Brooklyn Heights.
Bob: Cleveland.
Monica: How, how did that happen?
Joey: Oh my god.
Monica: What?
Joey: I suddenly had the feeling that I was falling. But I'm not.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Fancy restaurant, Joey and Bob are talking.]
Joey: So, you and Angela, huh?
Bob: Yep. Pretty much.
Joey: You're a lucky man. You know what I miss the most about her? That cute
nibbly noise when she eats. Like a happy little squirrel, or a weasel.
Bob: Huh, I never really noticed.
Joey: Oh, yeah, yeah, listen for it.
Bob: Monica, Monica is great.
Joey: Yeah, but it's not gonna last. She's too much for me in bed. Sexually.
[Scene: The ladies' bathroom at the restaurant, Monica and Angela are talking.]
Monica: I've gotta tell you, Bob is terrific.
Angela: Yeah, isn't he?
Monica: It is so great to meet a guy who is smart and funny, and has an
emotional age beyond, like eight.
Angela: You know what else? He's unbelievable in bed.
Monica: Wow. My brother never even told me when he lost his virginity.
Angela: Huh. That's nice.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is coaching Chandler on how to break up with Janice.]
Phoebe: Ok, you can do this. It's just like pulling off a Band-aid. Just do it
really fast, and then the wound is exposed.
(Chandler walks back to couch, where Janice is.)
Chandler: Janice. Hi, Janice. Ok, here we go. I don't think we should go out
anymore. Janice.
Janice: All right. Well, there you go. (she gets extremely wound up, and begins
to try and calm herself down) Stop it, stop it, stop it.
[Scene: The laundromat.]
Rachel: Ok, I know this is gonna sound really stupid, but I feel that if I can
do this, you know, if I can actually do my own laundry, there isn't anything I can't do.
Ross: That does not sound stupid to me. You know, it's like the first time I had
to make dinner for myself, after Carol left me? (the buzzer on the washer goes off) I'm
sorry, that's all the time we have. Next on Ross...(opens up the washer) Uh-oh.
Rachel: What uh-oh?
Ross: (not wanting to tell her) Uh-oh, uh-oh, the laundry's done. It's, uh, it's
a song. The laundry song that we sing. (singing) Uh-oh the laundry's done, uh-oh, uh-oh.
Rachel: Ross, what's the matter?
Ross: Nothing, nothing. Lee-lo, the laundry's done.
Rachel: Come on, show me.
|
Ross: All right, all right, it's just that you left a red sock in with all your
whites, and now, everything's kinda pink.
Rachel: Oh, everything's pink.
Ross: Yeah, uh, except for the red sock, which is still red. I'm sorry, please
don't be upset, it could happen to anyone.
Rachel: Except it didn't. It happened to me. Oh, god, I'm gonna look like a big
marshmallow peep. What am I doing? What am I doing? My father's right. I can't live on my
own! I can't even do laundry!
(The woman who had tried to steal the washing machine walks by, and laughs.)
[Scene: The fancy restaurant, Angela has her hand in Bob's shirt, and Monica is very
uncomfortable.]
Monica: Something went wrong with Underdog, and they couldn't get his head to
inflate. So anyway, um, his head is like flopping down Broadway, right, and I'm just
thinking... how inappropriate this is. Um, I've got something in my eye, uh, Joey, could
we check it in the light, please?
(Her and Joey walk away from the table.)
Monica: Oh my god.
Joey: What?
Monica: Hello! Were we at the same table? It's like... cocktails in Appalachia.
Joey: Come on, they're close.
Monica: Close? She's got her tongue in his ear.
Joey: Oh, like you've never gotten a little rambunctious with Ross.
Monica: Joey, this is sick, it's disgusting, it's, it's not really true, is
it?
Joey: Well, who's to say what's true? I mean...
Monica: Oh my god, what were you thinking?
Joey: All right, look, I'm not proud of this, ok? Well, maybe I am a little.
Monica: (hits him lightly) Oh!
Joey: Ow!
Monica: (leaving) I'm outta here.
Joey: Wait, wait, wait. You want him, I want her. He likes you.
Monica: Really?
Joey: Yeah. I'm thinking, if we put our heads together, between the two of us,
we can break them up.
[Time lapse, Monica accidentally spilled her drink on Bob's shirt and is wiping it off.
Joey is making eyes at Angela.]
Monica: I'm so sorry, I can't believe I did this, but I couldn't stop laughing
at your Norman Mailer story.
(Angela is eating chicken wings and making the weasel-like noise Joey had told Bob
about.)
Joey: Uh, waiter, one more plate of chicken wings over here.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is still trying to ease things over with Janice, and
there are about a dozen empty Espresso cups in front of him. He is extremely wired.]
Chandler: Here's the thing, Janice. You know, I mean, it's like we're different.
I'm like the bing, bing, bing. You're like the boom, boom, (Chandler flails his hand out
and hits Janice in the eye)... boom.
Janice: Ow!
Chandler: Oh, my god, I'm so sorry. Are you ok?
Janice: Ow. Um, it's just my lens. It's just my lens. I'll be right back.
(She leaves.)
Chandler: (to Phoebe) I hit her in the eye! I hit her in the eye! This is the
worst break-up in the history of the world.
Phoebe: Oh my god. (Chandler downs another espresso.) How many of those have you
had?
Chandler: Oh, I don't know, a million?
Phoebe: Chandler, easy, easy. Go to your happy place. La la la la la la la.
Chandler: I'm fine.
Phoebe: All right.
(Janice returns from the bathroom.)
Chandler: I'm not fine. Here she comes.
Phoebe: Wait here. Breathe.
(Phoebe goes over to speak to Janice. She talks to her for a few seconds, and then
Janice immediately smiles, hugs her, waves to Chandler, and leaves.)
Chandler: How do you do that?
Phoebe: It's like a gift.
Chandler: We should always always break up together.
Phoebe: Oh, I'd like that.
[Scene: The Launderama. Rachel is sorting her now-pink clothes.]
Ross: You got the clothes clean. Now that's the important part.
Rachel: Oh, I guess. Except everything looks like jammies now.
(The same woman walks over and takes Rachel's laundry cart.)
Rachel: Whoa, I'm sorry. Excuse me. We had this cart.
Woman: Yeah, well, I had a 24-inch waist. You lose things. Now come on, get
outta my way.
(Rachel looks at Ross, who motions to her to get the cart back.)
Rachel: I'm sorry, you know, maybe I wasn't being clear. Uh, this is our cart.
Woman: Hey, hey, hey there aren't any clothes in it.
Rachel: Hey, hey, hey, hey, quit making up rules!
Woman: Let go!
(They struggle for the cart. Finally, Rachel climbs inside of it.)
Rachel: All right, listen, missy. If you want this cart, you're gonna have to
take me with it!
(She thinks it over, and then walks away.)
Rachel: (to Ross) Yes! Did you see that?
Ross: You were incredible! Brand new woman, ladies and gentlemen.
Rachel: I could not have done this without you.
(Rachel stands up and kisses Ross. He is stunned. A moment of silence follows.)
|
The One With The Butt
The One With the Butt
Written by: Adam Chase & Ira Ungerleider
Transcribed by: guineapig
[Scene: A Theater, the gang is in the audience wating for a play of Joey's to
start.]
Rachel: (reading the program) Ooh! Look! Look! Look! Look, there's Joey's
picture! This is so exciting!
Chandler: You can always spot someone who's never seen one of his plays before.
Notice, no fear, no sense of impending doom...
Phoebe: The exclamation point in the title scares me. (Gesturing) Y'know, it's
not just Freud, it's Freud!
(The lights dim.)
Ross: Oh, shhh, shh. Magic is about to happen.
(The lights go up on the stage, Joey, as Freud, is talking to a female patient.)
Joey: Vell, Eva, ve've done some excellent vork here, and I vould have to say,
your pwoblem is qviiite clear. (He goes into a song and dance number.)
All you want is a dingle,
What you envy's a schwang,
A thing through which you can tinkle,
Or play with, or simply let hang...
Opening Credits
[Scene: The Theater, the play has ended and everyone is applauding. As soon as
the cast leaves, the gang all groan and sit down heavily.]
Rachel: God. I feel violated.
Monica: Did anybody else feel they just wanted to peel the skin off their body,
to have something else to do?
Chandler: (staring at a woman across the room) Ross, ten o'clock.
Ross: Is it? Feels like two.
Chandler: No, ten o'clock.
Ross: What?
Chandler: (sighs and gestures to explain) There's a beautiful woman at eight,
nine, ten o'clock!
Ross: Oh. Hel-lo!
Chandler: She's amazing! She makes the women that I dream about look like short,
fat, bald men!
Monica: Well, go over to her! She's not with anyone.
Chandler: Oh yeah, and what would my opening line be? 'Excuse me.
Blarrglarrghh.'
Rachel: Oh, c'mon. She's a person, you can do it!
Chandler: Oh please, could she be more out of my league? Ross,
back me up here.
Ross: He could never get a woman like that in a million years.
Chandler: Thank you, buddy.
Phoebe: Oh, oh, but y'know, you always see these really beautiful women with
these really nothing guys, you could be one of those guys.
Monica: You could do that!
Chandler: Y'think?
All: Yeah!
Chandler: Oh God, I can't believe I'm even considering this... I'm very very
aware of my tongue...
Ross: C'mon! C'mon!
Chandler: Here goes. (He walks over to her but just stands there.)
Aurora: ...Yes?
Chandler: Hi.... um... okay, next word... would be... Chandler! Chandler is my
name, and, uh...(He clears his throat noisily)...hi.
Aurora: Yes, you said that.
Chandler: Yes, yes I did, but what I didn't say was what I was about to say,
what I wanted to say was, uh... would you like to go out with me sometime, thankyou,
goodnight. (He walks back to the others but she calls him back.)
Aurora: Chandler?
(Joey enters from behind a curtain. The others all talk at once.)
All: Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance! You had a beard!
Joey: Whadja think?
(Pause)
All: ...Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance! You had a beard!
Joey: C'mon, you guys, it wasn't that bad. It was better than that thing I did
with the trolls, at least you got to see my head.
All: (admitting) Saw your head. Saw your head.
Chandler: (running back) She said yes!! She said yes!! (To Joey) Awful play,
man. Whoah. (To All) Her name's Aurora, and she's Italian, and she pronounces my name
'Chand-lrr'. 'Chand-lrr'. I think I like it better that way. (To Joey) Oh, listen, the
usher gave me this to give to you. (He fishes a card out of his pocket.)
Rachel: What is it?
Joey: The Estelle Leonard Talent Agency. Wow, an agency left me its card! Maybe
they wanna sign me!
Phoebe: Based on this play? ...Based on this play!
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone else is there as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey, kids.
All: Hey.
Phoebe: (reading Monica's palm) No, 'cause this line is passion, and this is...
just a line.
Chandler: Well, I can't believe I've been here almost seven seconds and you
haven't asked me how my date went.
Monica: Oh, right, right. How was your date, 'Chand-lrr'?
Chandler: It was unbelievable. I-I've never met anyone like her. She's had the
most amazing life! She was in the Israeli army...
(A flashback of Aurora and Chandler on their date in Central Perk is denoted by
italics.)
Aurora: ...Luckily none of the bullets hit the engine block. So, we made it
to the border, but just barely, and I- ...I've been talking about myself all night long,
I'm sorry. What about you? Tell me one of your stories.
|
Chandler: Alright. Once I got on the subway, right, and it was at night, and I
rode it all the way to Brooklyn... just for the hell of it.
Chandler: We talked 'til like two. It was this perfect evening... more or
less.
Aurora: ...All of a sudden we realised we were in Yammon.
Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, so 'we' is?
Aurora: 'We' would be me and Rick.
Joey: Who's Rick?
Chandler: Who's Rick?
Aurora: My husband.
All: Ooooohhh.
Chandler: Oh, so you're divorced?
Aurora: No.
Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, then you're widowed?...Hopefully?
Aurora: No, I'm still married.
Chandler: So tell me, how do- how do you think your husband would feel about you
sitting here with me?...Sliding your foot so far up my pant leg you can count the change
in my pocket?
Aurora: Don't worry. I imagine he'd be okay with you because really, he's okay
with Ethan.
Chandler: Ethan? There's, there's an Ethan?
Aurora: Mmmm... Ethan is my... boyfriend.
All: What?!
Chandler: So explain something to me here, uh, what kind of a relationship do
you imagine us having if you already have a husband and a boyfriend?
Aurora: I suppose mainly sexual.
Chandler: ...Hm.
Monica: Oh. I'm sorry it didn't work out.
Chandler: What 'not work out'? I'm seeing her again on Thursday. Didn't you
listen to the story?
Monica: Didn't you listen to the story? I mean, this is twisted! How could you
get involved with a woman like this?
Chandler: Well, y'know, I had some trouble with it at first too, but the way I
look at it is, I get all the good stuff: all the fun, all the talking, all the sex; and none
of the responsibility. I mean, this is every guy's fantasy!
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. That is not true. Ross, is this your fantasy?
Ross: No, of course not! (Thinks) ...Yeah, yeah, it is.
Monica: What? So you guys don't mind going out with someone else who's going out
with someone else?
Joey: I couldn't do it.
Monica: Good for you, Joey.
Joey: When I'm with a woman, I need to know that I'm going out with
more people than she is.
Ross: Well, y'know, monogamy can be a, uh, tricky concept. I mean,
anthropologically speaking-
(They all pretend to fall asleep.)
Ross: Fine. Fine, alright, now you'll never know.
Monica: We're kidding. C'mon, tell us!
All: Yeah! C'mon!
Ross: Alright. There's a theory, put forth by Richard Leakey-
(They all fall asleep again.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is there as enter except Joey enter.]
Rachel: Tah-daaah!
Chandler: Are we greeting each other this way now? 'Cause I like that.
Rachel: Look! I cleaned! I did the windows, I did the floors... I even used all
the attachments on the vacuum, except that little round one with the bristles, I don't
know what that's for.
Ross: Oh yeah, nobody knows. And we're not supposed to ask.
Rachel: Well, whaddya think?
All: Very clean! It looks great! Terrific!
Monica: ...Oh! I-I see you moved the green ottoman.
All: Uh-oh...
Monica: How-how did that happen?
Rachel: I dunno.. I-I thought it looked better there. And I- and also, it's an
extra seat around the coffee table.
Monica: Yeah, yeah, it's interesting.. but y'know what? Just for fun, let's see
what it looked like in the old spot. (She moves it.) Alright, just to compare. Let's see.
Well, it looks good there too. Let's just leave it there for a while.
Phoebe: (to Rachel) I can't believe you tried to move the green ottoman.
Chandler: Thank God you didn't try to fan out the magazines. I mean, she'll
scratch your eyes right out.
Monica: You guys, I am not that bad!
Phoebe: Yeah, you are, Monica. Remember when I lived with you? You were like, a
little, y'know, (psycho) Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree!
Monica: That is so unfair!
Ross: Oh c'mon! When we were kids, yours was the only Raggedy Ann doll that
wasn't raggedy!
Monica: Okay, so I'm responsible, I'm organised. But hey, I can be a kook.
Ross: Alright, you madcap gal. Try to imagine this. The phone bill arrives, but
you don't pay it right away.
Monica: Why not?
Ross: Because you're a kook! Instead you wait until they send you a notice.
Monica: I could do that.
Rachel: Okay, uh, you let me go grocery shopping, and I buy laundry detergent,
but it's not the one with the easy-pour spout.
Monica: Why would someone do that?! ...One might wonder.
Chandler: Someone's left a glass on the coffee table. There's no coaster. It's a
cold drink, it's a hot day. Little beads of condensation are inching their way closer and
closer to the surface of the wood...
Monica: STOP IT!! ...Oh my God. It's true! Who am I?
Ross: Monica? You're Mom.
(Monica gasps.)
Phoebe: Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree!
(Joey enters and he's on the phone.)
|
Joey: (on phone) Uh huh.. uh huh... oh my God! Okay! Okay, I'll be there! (He
hangs up and to all.) That was my agent. (He tosses and catches the phone.) My agent has
just gotten me a job...in the new Al Pacino movie!
All: Oh my God! Whoah!
Monica: Well, what's the part?
Joey: Can you believe this? Al Pacino! This guy's the reason I became an actor!
'I'm out of order? Pfeeeh. You're out of order! This whole courtroom's out of
order!'
Phoebe: Seriously, what-what's the part?
Joey: 'Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!'
Ross: C'mon, seriously, Joey, what's the part?
Joey: ...I'm his (mumbles)
Rachel: ..You're, you're 'mah mah mah' what?
Joey: ...I'm his butt double. 'Kay? I play Al Pacino's butt. Alright? He goes
into the shower, and then- I'm his butt.
Monica: (trying not to laugh) Oh my God.
Joey: C'mon, you guys. This is a real movie, and Al Pacino's in it, and that's
big!
Chandler: Oh no, it's terrific, it's... it's... y'know, you deserve this, after
all your years of struggling, you've finally been able to crack your way into
showbusiness.
Joey: Okay, okay, fine! Make jokes, I don't care! This is a big break for me!
Ross: You're right, you're right, it is...So you gonna invite us all to the big
opening?
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Monica is getting the door.]
Monica: Alright, alright, alright...
(Joey enters with Monica's paper and hands it to her.)
Joey: Here. I need to borrow some moisturizer.
Monica: For what?
Joey: Whaddya think? Today's the big day!
Monica: Oh my God. Okay, go into the bathroom, use whatever you want, just don't
ever tell me what you did in there.
Joey: Thank you! (He goes into the bathroom.)
(Chandler enters with the phone.)
Chandler: Where's Joey? His mom's on the phone.
Monica: He's in the bathroom. I don't think you wanna go in there!
Chandler: C'mon, we're roommates! (He goes into the bathroom, screams, and runs
back out.) My eyes!! My eyes!!
Monica: I warned you...
(Rachel enters from her room.)
Rachel: Who is being loud?
Chandler: Oh, that would be Monica. Hey, listen, I wanna borrow a coupla things,
Aurora spent the night, I really wanna make her breakfast.
Monica: Oh, you got the whole night, huh?
Chandler: Yeah, well, I only have twenty minutes until Ethan, so, y'know.. (He
starts to raid the fridge.)
Rachel: Ooh, do I sense a little bit of resentment?
Chandler: No, no resentment, believe me, it's worth it. 'Kay? Y'know in a
relationship you have these key moments that you know you'll remember for the rest of your
life? Well, every- single- second is like that with Aurora.. and I've just wasted about
thirty-five of them talking to you people, so, uh.. Monica, can you help me with the door?
(He has armloads of stuff.)
Monica: Sure. Oh, um, Chandler? Y'know, the-the old Monica would-would remind
you to scrub that Teflon pan with a plastic brush...But I'm not gonna do that.
(She opens the door and he leaves.)
[Scene: A Film Set, Joey is entering for his scene.]
Director: (on phone)...Dammit, hire the girl! (He hangs up the phone.)
Okay, everybody ready?
Joey: Uh, listen, I just wanna thank you for this great opportunity.
Director: Lose the robe.
Joey: Me?
Director: That would work.
Joey: Right. Okay. Losing the robe. (He takes off the robe.) And the robe is
lost.
Director: Okay, everybody, we'd like to get this in one take, please. Let's roll
it.. water's working (The shower starts).. and... action.
(Joey starts to the shower with a grim, determined look on his face.)
Director: And cut. Hey, Butt Guy, what the hell are you doing?
Joey: Well, I'm- I'm showering.
Director: No, that was clenching.
Joey: Oh. Well, the way I see it, the guy's upset here, y'know? I mean, his
wife's dead, his brother's missing... I think his butt would be angry here.
Director: I think his butt would like to get this shot before lunch. Once again,
rolling... water working... and action....and cut. What was that?
Joey: I was going for quiet desperation. But if you have to ask...
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Aurora and Chandler are in bed in Chandler's room.]
Chandler: God, I love these fingers...
Aurora: Thank you.
Chandler: No, actually I meant my fingers. Look at 'em, look at how happy they
are.
Aurora: (moves Chandler's arm and look at his watch.) Oh my God, I'm late. (She
starts to get up.)
Chandler: Oh no nonononononnononono, don't go.. (He kisses her and pulls her
back down.)
Aurora: Okay.
Chandler: Don't go.
Aurora: Okay. Oh no, I have to.
Chandler: (to himself) Too bad, she's leaving.
Aurora: (getting up and dressing) I'm sorry. He'll be waiting for me.
|
The One With the Blackout
The One With the Blackout
Written by: Jeffrey Astrof and Mike Sikowitz.
Transcribed by: Ruth Curran
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is introducing Phoebe, who is playing her guitar for the
crowd.]
Rachel: Everybody? Shh, shhh. Uhhh... Central Perk is proud to present the music
of Miss Phoebe Buffay.
(applause)
Phoebe: Hi. Um, I want to start with a song thats about that moment when you
suddenly realize what life is all about. OK, here we go. (plays a chord, then the lights
go out) OK, thank you very much.
[Scene: The ATM vestibule of a bank, Chandler is inside. The lights go out, and he
realizes he is trapped inside.]
Chandler: Oh, great. This is just...
(Chandler sees that there is a gorgeous model inside the vestibule with him. He makes a
gesture of quiet exuberance.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the phone with her mother. Phoebe, Rachel,
and Ross are there.]
Rachel: Wow, this is so cool, you guys. The entire city is blacked out!
Monica: Mom says it's all of Manhattan, parts of Brooklyn and Queens, and they
have no idea when it's coming back on.
Rachel: Wow, you guys, this is big.
Monica: (into phone) Pants and a sweater? Why, mom? Who am I gonna meet in a
blackout? Power company guys? Eligible looters? Could we talk about this later? OK. (hangs
up)
Phoebe: Can I borrow the phone? I want to call my apartment and check on my
grandma. (to Monica) What's my number?
(Monica and Rachel look at Phoebe strangely.)
Phoebe: Well, I never call me.
[Scene: ATM vestibule, Jill Goodacre is on the cellular phone. Chandler's thoughts are
in italics.]
Chandler: Oh my God, it's that Victoria's Secret model. Something...
something Goodacre.
Jill: (on phone) Hi Mom, it's Jill.
Chandler: She's right, it's Jill. Jill Goodacre. Oh my God. I am trapped in
an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre! (pause) Is it a vestibule? Maybe it's an
atrium. Oh, yeah, that is the part to focus on, you idiot!
Jill: (on phone) Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just stuck at the bank, in an ATM
vestibule.
Chandler: Jill says vestibule... I'm going with vestibule.
Jill: (on phone) I'm fine. No, I'm not alone... I don't know, some guy.
Chandler: Oh! Some guy. Some guy. 'Hey Jill, I saw you with some guy last
night. Yes, he was some guy.
(Chandler strides proudly across the vestibule and Jill stares at him.)
[Scene: Monica's apartment, Joey enters with a menorah, the candles lit.]
Joey: Hi everyone.
Ross: And officiating at tonight's blackout, is Rabbi Tribbiani.
Joey: Well, Chandler's old roomate was Jewish, and these are the only candles we
have, so... Happy Chanukah, everyone.
Phoebe: (at window) Eww, look. Ugly Naked Guy lit a bunch of candles.
(They all look at the window, grossed out, then flinch in pain.)
Rachel: That had to hurt!
[Scene: ATM vestibule.]
Chandler: Alright, alright, alright. It's been fourteen and a half minutes
and you still have not said one word. Oh God, do something. Just make contact, smile!
(Chandler smiles at her, she smiles back sweetly.)
Chandler: There you go!
(He continues to smile like an idiot, and she looks frightened.)
Chandler: You're definitely scaring here.
Jill: (awkwardly) Would you like to call somebody? (offering phone)
Chandler: Yeah, about 300 guys I went to high school with. Yeah, thanks.
(takes phone)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The phone rings; it's Chandler.]
Monica: Hello?
Chandler: Hey, it's me.
Monica: (to everyone) It's Chandler! (on phone) Are you OK?
Chandler: Yeah, I'm fine. (trying to cover up what he is saying) I'm trppd in an
ATM vstbl wth Jll Gdcr.
Monica: What?
Chandler: I'm trppd... in an ATM vstbl... wth Jll Gdcr!
Monica: I have no idea what you just said.
Chandler: (angry) Put Joey on the phone.
Joey: What's up man?
Chandler: I'm trppd... in an ATM vstbl... wth JLL GDCR.
Joey: (to everyone) Oh my God! He's trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill
Goodacre! (on phone) Chandler, listen. (says something intentionally garbled)
Chandler: Yeah, like that thought never entered my mind.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time has passed. The five are sitting around the coffee
table talking.]
Rachel: Alright, somebody.
Monica: OK, I'll go. OK, senior year of college... on a pool table.
All: Whoooaa!
Ross: That's my sister.
Joey: OK... my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second
floor of the New York CIty public library.
Monica: Oh my God! What were you doing in a library?
Ross: Pheebs, what about you?
Phoebe: Oh... Milwaukee.
Rachel: Um... Ross?
Ross: Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All.'
All: No way!
Ross: The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those
mechanical Dutch children... then they fixed the ride, and we were asked never to return
to the Magic Kingdom.
|
Phoebe: Oh, Rachel.
Rachel: Oh come on, I already went.
Monica: You did not go!
All: Come on.
Rachel: Oh, alright. The weirdest place would have to be... (sigh)... oh, the
foot of the bed.
Ross: Step back.
Joey: We have a winner!
[Time lapse, Ross and Rachel are talking, Joey is on the couch, and Monica and Phoebe
are out of the room.]
Rachel: I just never had a relationship with that kind of passion, you know,
where you have to have somebody right there, in the middle of a theme park.
Ross: Well, it was the only thing to do there that didn't have a line.
Rachel: There, well, see? Barry wouldn't even kiss me on a miniature golf
course.
Ross: Come on.
Rachel: No, he said we were holding up the people behind us.
Ross: (sarcastically) And you didn't marry him because...?
Rachel: I mean, do you think there are people who go through life never having
that kind of...
Ross: Probably. But you know, I'll tell you something. Passion is way overrated.
Rachel: Yeah right.
Ross: It is. Eventually, it kind of... burns out. But hopefully, what you're
left with is trust, and security, and... well, in the case of my ex-wife, lesbianism. So,
you know, for all of those people who miss out on that passion... thing, there's all that
other good stuff.
Rachel: (sigh) OK.
Ross: But, um... I don't think that's going to be you.
Rachel: You don't.
Ross: Uh-uh. See, I see.... big passion in your future.
Rachel: Really?
Ross: Mmmm.
Rachel: You do?
Ross: I do.
Rachel: Oh Ross, you're so great. (she playfully rubs his head and gets up)
(Ross gets up, pleased with himself.)
Joey: It's never gonna happen.
Ross: (innocently) What?
Joey: You and Rachel.
Ross: (acts surprised) What? (pause) Why not?
Joey: Because you waited too long to make your move, and now you're in the friend
zone.
Ross: No, no, no. I'm not in the zone.
Joey: Ross, you're mayor of the zone.
Ross: I'm taking my time, alright? I'm laying the groundwork. Yeah. I mean,
every day I get just a little bit closer to...
Joey: Priesthood! Look Ross, I'm telling you, she has no idea what you're
thinking. If you don't ask her out soon you're going to end up stuck in the zone forever.
Ross: I will, I will. See, I'm waiting for the right moment. (Joey looks at him)
What? What, now?
Joey: Yeeeeaaaahhh! What's messing you up? The wine? The candles? The moonlight?
You've just got to go up to her and say, 'Rachel, I think that...' (Rachel comes into the
room behind them)
Ross: Shhhh!
Rachel: What are you shushing?
Ross: We're shushing... because... we're trying to hear something. Listen.
(everyone is silent) Don't you hear that?
Rachel: Ahhhh!
Ross: See?
Rachel: Huh. (she agrees, but looks very confused)
[Scene: ATM vestibule.]
Jill: Would you like some gum?
Chandler: Um, is it sugarless?
Jill: (checks) Sorry, it's not.
Chandler: Oh, then no thanks. What the hell was that? Mental note: If Jill
Goodacre offers you gum, you take it. If she offers you mangled animal carcass, you take
it.
[Scene: Monica's apartment, Phoebe is singing.]
Phoebe: (singing) New York City has no power, and the milk is getting sour. But
to me it is not scary, 'cause I stay away from dairy.... la la la, la la, la la... (she
writes the lyrics down)
Ross: (to Joey) OK, here goes.
Joey: Are you going to do it?
Ross: I'm going to do it.
Joey: Do you want any help?
Ross: You come out there, you're a dead man.
Joey: Good luck, man.
Ross: Thanks. (Joey hugs him) OK.
Joey: OK. (Ross goes out on the balcony to talk to Rachel)
(Monica walks in, starts to go out on the balcony.)
Joey: Hey, where are you going?
Monica: Outside.
Joey: You can't go out there.
Monica: Why not?
Joey: Because of... the reason.
Monica: And that would be?
Joey: I, um, can't tell you.
Monica: Joey, what's going on?
Joey: OK, you've got to promise that you'll never, ever tell Ross that I told
you.
Monica: About what?
Joey: He's planning your birthday party.
Monica: Oh my God! I love him!
Joey: (as Phoebe enters) You'd better act surprised.
Phoebe: About what?
Monica: My surprise party!
Phoebe: What surprise party?
Monica: Oh stop it. Joey already told me.
Phoebe: Well, he didn't tell me.
Joey: Hey, don't look at me. This is Ross's thing.
Phoebe: This is so typical. I'm always the last one to know everything.
Monica: No, you are not. We tell you stuff.
Phoebe: Yuh-huh! I was the last one to know when Chandler got bitten by the
peacock at the zoo. I was the last one to know when you had a crush on Joey when he was
moving in. (Monica gestures at Phoebe to shut up; Joey looks surprised but pleased) Looks
like I was second to last.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Ross and Rachel are talking.]
|
Rachel: Hmmm... this is so nice.
Ross: OK, I have a question. Well, actually, it's not so much a question as..
more of a general wondering... ment.
Rachel: OK.
Ross: OK. Here goes. For a while now, I've been wanting to, um....
Rachel: Ohhh!!!! (looking at something behind Ross)
Ross: Yes, yes, that's right...
Rachel: Oh, look at the little cat! (a small kitten is on the roof behind Ross)
Ross: What? (the cat jumps on his shoulders) Ow!
[Cut to inside. Monica, Joey and Phoebe are singing while outside, Ross and Rachel are
trying to get the cat off of Ross' shoulder.]
Monica, Joey, and Phoebe: (singing) I'm on top of the world,
looking down on creation and the only explanation I can find, is the wonders I've found
ever since...
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is holding the cat, Monica is treating the
scratches on Ross' back. Joey is holding the menorah over the wound.]
Monica: (to Ross) This is just Bactine. It won't hurt.
(Ross flinches in pain.)
Joey: Sorry, that was wax.
Phoebe: Oh, poor little Tooty is scared to death. We should find his owner.
Ross: Why don't we just put 'poor little Tooty' out in the hall?
Rachel: During a blackout? He'd get trampled!
Ross: (nonchalantly) Yeah?
[Scene: ATM vestibule.]
Chandler: You know, on second thought, gum would be perfection. (Jill gives him
a stick of gum, and a strange look) 'Gum would be perfection'? 'Gum would be
perfection.' Could have said 'gum would be nice,' or 'I'll have a stick,' but no, no, no,
no. For me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself.
[Scene: The hallway of Monica's building. Phoebe and Rachel are trying to find the
cat's owner.]
Phoebe: (stops at a door) Oh no, the Mendels, they hate all living things,
right?
Rachel: Oh. (they knock at the next door, Mr. Heckles answers) Hi. We just found
this cat and we're looking for the owner.
Mr. Heckles: Er, yeah, it's mine.
Phoebe: (trying to hold back the struggling cat) He seems to hate you. Are you
sure?
Mr. Heckles: Yeah, it's my cat. Give me my cat.
Phoebe: Wait a minute. What's his name?
Mr. Heckles: Ehhhh... B-Buttons.
Rachel: Bob Buttons?
Mr. Heckles: Mmm. Bob Buttons. Here, Bob Buttons.
Phoebe: (the cat runs away from her) Oooh! You are a very bad man!
Mr. Heckles: (as Phoebe and Rachel leave) You owe me a cat.
[Scene: Rachel has gone off on her own to look for the cat's owner.]
Rachel: Here, kitty-kitty. Here kitty-kitty. Where did you go, little
kitty-kitty-kitty? Here kitty-kitty-kitty-kitty...
(While looking at the floor for the cat, Rachel runs into a pair of legs. She slowly
gets up and sees a gorgeous Italian hunk holding the cat. Who, by the way, you'll hate
very, very soon. The man. Not the cat.)
Paolo: (something Italian)
Rachel: Wow. (she exhales in amazement, blowing the candle out)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Monica, and Joey are playing Monopoly.]
Ross: (rolling) Lucky sixes....
Rachel: (entering with Paolo, arm in arm) Everybody, this is Paolo. Paolo, I
want you to meet my friends. This is Monica.
Monica: (smitten) Hi!
Rachel: And Joey....
Monica: Hi!
Rachel: And Ross.
Monica: Hi!
Paolo: (something in Italian)
Rachel: (proudly) He doesn't speak much English.
Paolo: (pointing at game) Monopoly!
Rachel: Look at that!
Ross: (jealous) So, um... where did Paolo come from?
Rachel: Oh... Italy, I think.
Ross: No, I mean tonight, in the building. Suddenly. Into our lives.
Rachel: Well, the cat... the cat turned out to be Paolo's cat!
Ross: That, that is funny... (to Joey).... and Rachel keeps touching him.
(Phoebe enters.)
Phoebe: Alright. I looked all over the building and I couldn't find the kitty
anywhere.
Rachel: Oh, I found him. He was Paolo's cat.
Phoebe: Ah! Well! There you go! Last to know again! And I'm guessing... since
nobody told me... this is Paolo.
Rachel: Ah, Paolo, this is Phoebe.
Paolo: (something in Italian, he is apparently attracted to Phoebe)
Phoebe: (smiling) You betcha!
[Scene: ATM vestibule.]
Chandler: (chewing gum) Ah, let's see. What next? Blow a bubble. A bubble's
good. It's got a... boyish charm, it's impish. Here we go.
(Chandler waits until Jill is looking, then starts to blow a bubble. But instead of
blow one, he accidentally spits the gum out of his mouth and hits the wall.)
Chandler: Nice going, imp. OK, it's OK. All I need to do is reach over and
put it in my mouth. (Chandler slyly grabs the gum from the wall and slides it back in
his mouth.)
Chandler: Good save! We're back on track, and I'm... (grimacing) ..chewing
someone else's gum. This is not my gum. Oh my God! Oh my God! And now you're
choking.
(Chandler starts to choke.)
Jill: Are you alright?
(Chandler tries to save face and makes the 'OK' sign with his hands, while obviously
unable to breathe.)
Jill: My God, you're choking! (she runs over and gives him the Heimlich, the gum
flies from his mouth) That better?
|
The One Where Nana Dies Twice
The One Where Nana Dies Twice
Written by: Marta Kaufmann & David Crane
Transcribed by: guineapig
With Help From: Rachel Stigge
[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is on a coffee break.
Shelley enters.)
Shelley: Hey gorgeous, how's it going?
Chandler: Dehydrated Japanese noodles under fluorescent lights... does it get
better than this?
Shelley: Question. You're not dating anybody, are you, because I met somebody
who would be perfect for you.
Chandler: Ah, y'see, perfect might be a problem. Had you said 'co-dependent', or
'self-destructive'...
Shelley: Do you want a date Saturday?
Chandler: Yes please.
Shelley: Okay. He's cute, he's funny, he's-
Chandler: He's a he?
Shelley: Well yeah! ...Oh God. I- just- I thought- Good, Shelley. I'm just gonna
go flush myself down the toilet now...(backs out of the room) Okay, goodbye...
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there.)
Chandler: ...Couldn't enjoy a cup of noodles after that. I mean, is that
ridiculous? Can you believe she actually thought that?
Rachel: Um... yeah. Well, I mean, when I first met you, y'know, I thought maybe,
possibly, you might be...
Chandler: You did?
Rachel: Yeah, but then you spent Phoebe's entire birthday party talking to my
breasts, so then I figured maybe not.
Chandler: Huh. Did, uh... any of the rest of you guys think that when you first
met me?
Monica: I did.
Phoebe: Yeah, I think so, yeah.
Joey: Not me.
Ross: Nono, me neither. Although, uh, y'know, back in college, Susan Sallidor
did.
Chandler: You're kidding! Did you tell her I wasn't?
Ross: No. No, it's just 'cause, uh, I kinda wanted to go out with her too, so I
told her, actually, you were seeing Bernie Spellman... who also liked her, so...
(Joey congratulates Ross, sees Chandler's look and abruptly stops.)
Chandler: Well, this is fascinating. So, uh, what is it about me?
Phoebe: I dunno, 'cause you're smart, you're funny...
Chandler: Ross is smart and funny, d'you ever think that about him?
All: Yeah! Right!
Chandler: WHAT IS IT?!
Monica: Okay, I-I d'know, you-you just- you have a quality.
All: Yes. Absolutely. A quality.
Chandler: Oh, oh, a quality, good, because I was worried you guys were gonna be
vague about this.
(Phone rings; Monica gets it)
Monica: Hello? Hello? Oh! Rachel, it's Paolo calling from Rome.
Rachel: Oh my God! Calling from Rome! (Takes phone) Bon giorno, caro mio.
Ross: (to Joey) So he's calling from Rome. I could do that. Just gotta go to
Rome.
Rachel: Monica, your dad just beeped in, but can you make it quick? Talking to
Rome. (Showing off to Phoebe and Chandler) I'm talking to Rome.
Monica: Hey dad, what's up? (Listens) Oh God. Ross, it's Nana.
[Scene: The Hospital, Mr. and Mrs. Geller are there, along with Aunt Lillian. Ross and
Monica enter and everyone says hi and kisses.)
Ross: So, uh, how's she doing?
Aunt Lillian: The doctor says it's a matter of hours.
Monica: How-how are you, Mom?
Mrs. Geller: Me? I'm fine, fine. I'm glad you're here. ...What's with your hair?
Monica: What?
Mrs. Geller: What's different?
Monica: Nothing.
Mrs. Geller: Oh, maybe that's it.
(Monica strides over to Ross, who is making coffee, and talks to him aside.)
Monica: She is unbelievable, our mother is...
Ross: Okay, relax, relax. We are gonna be here for a while, it looks like, and
we still have boyfriends and your career to cover.
Monica: Oh God!
(They hug.)
[Cut to the hospital, later. Everyone is talking about Nana.]
Monica: The fuzzy little mints at the bottom of her purse.
Ross: Oh! ...Yeah, they were gross. Oh, you know what I loved? Her Sweet 'n'
Los. How she was always stealing them from- from restaurants.
Mr. Geller: Not just restaurants, from our house.
(The nurse comes out of Nana's room.)
Nurse: Mrs. Geller?
(Everyone stands up. Cut to Ross and Monica in Nana's room.)
Ross: She looks so small.
Monica: I know.
Ross: Well, at least she's with Pop-Pop and Aunt Phyllis now.
Monica: G'bye, Nana. (She kisses her on the forehead.)
Ross: Bye, Nana.
(He goes to kiss her but she moves. Monica screams. Ross shouts and stares in
disbelief. Monica runs out of the room.)
Monica: Ross!
(Ross runs out too.)
Mrs. Geller: What is going on?!
Ross: Y'know how-how the nurse said that-that Nana had passed? Well, she's not,
quite..
Mrs. Geller: What?
Ross: She's not- past, she's present, she's back.
Aunt Lillian: (reentering) What's going on?
Mr. Geller: She may have died.
Aunt Lillian: She may have died?
Mr. Geller: We're looking into it.
(Monica returns with the nurse and they go into Nana's room.)
Ross: I, uh, I'll go see. (He goes in)
Nurse: This almost never happens!
(Nana passes for the second time and the nurse pulls the blanket over her. Ross and
Monica go to tell the family)
|
Ross: Now she's passed.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, Joey, and Rachel are there.]
Chandler: I just have to know, okay. Is it my hair?
Rachel: (exasperated) Yes, Chandler, that's exactly what it is. It's your hair.
Phoebe: Yeah, you have homosexual hair.
(Monica and Ross enter.)
Rachel: So, um, did she...
Ross: Twice.
Joey: Twice?
Phoebe: Oh, that sucks!
Joey: You guys okay?
Ross: I dunno, it's weird. I mean, I know she's gone, but I just don't feel,
uh...
Phoebe: Maybe that's 'cause she's not really gone.
Ross: Nono, she's gone.
Monica: We checked. A lot.
Phoebe: Hm, I mean maybe no-one ever really goes. Ever since my mom died, every
now and then, I get the feeling that she's like right here, y'know? (She circles her hand
around her right shoulder. Chandler, sitting on her right, draws back nervously) Oh! And
Debbie, my best friend from junior high- got struck by lightning on a miniature golf
course- I always get this really strong Debbie vibe whenever I use one of those little
yellow pencils, y'know? ...I miss her.
Rachel: Aw. Hey, Pheebs, want this? (Gives her a pencil)
Phoebe: Thanks!
Rachel: Sure. I just sharpened her this morning.
Joey: Now, see, I don't believe any of that. I think once you're dead, you're
dead! You're gone! You're worm food! (realises his tactlessness) ...So Chandler looks gay,
huh?
Phoebe: Y'know, I dunno who this is, but it's not Debbie. (Hands back the
pencil)
[Scene: Nana's house, Ross, Mrs. Geller and Aunt Lillian are going through clothes.]
Ross: I thought it was gonna be a closed casket.
Mrs. Geller: Well, that doesn't mean she can't look nice!
(They open a cupboard which, amongst other things, contains a chest of drawers)
Mrs. Geller: Sweetie, you think you can get in there?
Ross: (sarcastic) I don't see why not.
(He tries pushing against the chest of drawers. Then he opens one of the drawers and
climbs into the closet using that; he falls behind the chest of drawers with a shout.)
Ross: Here's my retainer!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is talking to her father.]
Mr. Geller: I was just thinking. When my time comes-
Monica: Dad!
Mr. Geller: Listen to me! When my time comes, I wanna be buried at sea.
Monica: You what?
Mr. Geller: I wanna be buried at sea, it looks like fun.
Monica: Define fun.
Mr. Geller: C'mon, you'll make a day of it! You'll rent a boat, pack a lunch...
Monica: ...And then we throw your body in the water... Gee, that does sound fun.
Mr. Geller: Everyone thinks they know me. Everyone says 'Jack Geller, so
predictable'. Maybe after I'm gone, they'll say 'Buried at sea! Huh!'.
Monica: That's probably what they'll say.
Mr. Geller: I'd like that.
[Scene: Chandler's Office, Shelley is drinking coffee; Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey, gorgeous.
Shelley: (sheepish) Hey. Look, I'm sorry about yesterday, I, um-
Chandler: No, nono, don't- don't worry about it. Believe me, apparently other
people have made the same mistake.
Shelley: Oh! Okay! Phew!
Chandler: So, uh... what do you think it is about me?
Shelley: I dunno, uh... you just have a-a...
Chandler: ...Quality, right, great.
Shelley: Y'know, it's a shame, because you and Lowell would've made a great
couple.
Chandler: Lowell? Financial Services' Lowell, that's who you saw me with?
Shelley: What? He's cute!
Chandler: Well, yeah... 's'no Brian in Payroll.
Shelley: Is Brian...?
Chandler: No! Uh, I d'know! The point is, if you were gonna set me up with
someone, I'd like to think you'd set me up with someone like him.
Shelley: Well, I think Brian's a little out of your league.
Chandler: Excuse me? You don't think I could get a Brian? Because I could get
a Brian. Believe you me. ...I'm really not.
[Scene: Nana's Bedroom, Ross is holding a dress out from inside the closet.]
Ross: (holding a dress out from inside the closet) This one?
Aunt Lillian: No.
Ross: I have shown you everything we have. Unless you want your mother to spend
eternity in a lemon yellow pant-suit, go with the burgundy.
Aunt Lillian: You know, whatever we pick, she would've told us it's the wrong
one.
Mrs. Geller: You're right. We'll go with the burgundy.
Ross: Oh! A fine choice. I'm coming out. (Starts to climb over the furniture)
Aunt Lillian: Wait! We need shoes!
(Ross falls back inside)
Ross: Okay. Um, how about these? (Holds out a pair)
Mrs. Geller: That's really a day shoe.
Ross: And where she's going everyone else'll be dressier?
Aunt Lillian: Could we see something in a slimmer heel?
Ross: (forages around) Okay, I have nothing in an evening shoe in the burgundy.
I can show you something in a silver that may work.
Aunt Lillian: No, it really should be burgundy.
Mrs. Geller: Mm. Unless we go with a different dress?
|
Ross: No! Nonono, wait a sec. I may have something in the back.
(He finds a shoebox (out of shot), pulls it down and opens it. It is full of Sweet
'n' Lo's.)
Ross: Oh my God..
Mrs. Geller: Is everything all right, dear?
Ross: Yeah, just... just Nana stuff.
(He reaches up higher and knocks down another shoebox lid. Sweet 'n' Lo's rain
down on him)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are preparing to leave for the funeral.]
Ross: (entering) How we doing, you guys ready?
Monica: Mom already called this morning to remind me not to wear my hair up. Did
you know my ears are not my best feature?
Ross: Some days it's all I can think about.
Phoebe: (entering) Hi, sorry I'm late, I couldn't find my bearings.
Rachel: Oh, you-you mean your earrings?
Phoebe: What'd I say?
Rachel: (sticking her foot out) Hm-m.
Monica: Are these the shoes?
Rachel: Yes. Paolo sent them from Italy.
Ross: What, we-uh- we don't have shoes here, or...?
Joey: (entering with Chandler) Morning. We ready to go?
Chandler: Well, don't we look nice all dressed up?...It's stuff like that, isn't
it?
(They all leave.)
[Scene: The cemetary, after the funeral.]
Monica: It was a really beautiful service.
Mrs. Geller: It really was. Oh, c'mere, sweetheart. (Hugs her) Y'know, I think
it might be time for you to start using night cream.
(Joey listens to his overcoat for a second and sighs, then notices Chandler watching)
Joey: What?
Chandler: Nothing, just your overcoat sounds remarkably like Brent Mussberger.
Joey: Check it out, Giants-Cowboys. (He has a pocket TV)
Chandler: You're watching a football game at a funeral?
Joey: No, it's the pre-game. I'm gonna watch it at the reception.
Chandler: You are a frightening, frightening man.
(Rachel steps in a patch of mud)
Rachel: Oh no! My new Paolo shoes!
Ross: Oh, I hope they're not ruined.
Phoebe: God, what a great day. ...What? Weather-wise!
Ross: I know, uh, the air, the-the trees... even though Nana's gone there's,
there's something almost, uh- I dunno, almost life-aff- (Not looking where he is going he
falls into an open grave)
All: God! Ross!
Ross: I'm fine. Just-just... having my worst fear realised...
[Scene: The Wake, at the Gellers' house. Ross is lying on his back, with Phoebe
squatting over him, checking to see if he's injured.]
Phoebe: Okay, don't worry, I'm just checking to see if the muscle's in
spasm...huh.
Ross: What, what is it?
Phoebe: You missed a belt loop.
Ross: Oh! No-n-
Phoebe: Okay, it's in spasm.
Mrs. Geller: Here, sweetie, here. I took these when I had my golfing accident.
(Hands Ross a bottle of pills. Then turns to Monica and pats her hair over her ears)
(Cut to Chandler and a woman, Andrea, reaching for the same slice of meat)
Chandler: Oh, no-
Andrea: Sorry- Hi, I'm Dorothy's daughter.
Chandler: Hi, I'm Chandler, and I have no idea who Dorothy is.
(They shake hands. Cut to Ross emerging from a hallway, grinning inanely. He is
obviously very stoned)
Phoebe: Hey, look who's up! How do you feel?
Ross: I feel great. I feel- great, I fleel great.
Monica: Wow, those pills really worked, huh?
Ross: Not the first two, but the second two- woooo! ...I love you guys. You guys
are the greatest. I love my sister (Kisses Monica), I love Pheebs... (Hugs her)
Phoebe: Ooh! That's so nice...
Ross: ...Chandler!
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: (hugs him) And listen, man, if you wanna be gay, be gay. Doesn't matter to
me.
Andrea: (turns to a friend) You were right. (They walk off and leave Chandler.)
Ross: Rachel. Rachel Rachel. (Sits down beside her) I love you the most.
Rachel: (humouring him) Oh, well you know who I love the most?
Ross: No.
Rachel: You!
Ross: Oh.. you don't get it! (Passes out and slumps across her)
(Cut to Joey watching TV in the corner. He makes an extravagant gesture of
disappointment.)
Mr. Geller: Whaddya got there?
Joey: (hides the TV, but he still has an earphone) Just a, uh... hearing
disability.
Mr. Geller: What's the score?
Joey: Seventeen-fourteen Giants... three minutes to go in the third.
Mr. Geller: Beautiful! (Turns to watch with him)
(Time lapse. A large crowd of men are now watching the game)
Rachel: (still trapped under Ross) Pheebs, could you maybe hand me a cracker?
Mrs. Geller: (to Monica) Your grandmother would have hated this.
Monica: Well, sure, what with it being her funeral and all.
Mrs. Geller: No, I'd be hearing about 'Why didn't I get the honey-glazed ham?',
I didn't spend enough on flowers, and if I spent more she'd be saying 'Why are you wasting
your money? I don't need flowers, I'm dead'.
Monica: That sounds like Nana.
Mrs. Geller: Do you know what it's like to grow up with someone who is critical
of every single thing you say?
|
The One Where Underdog Gets Away
The One Where Underdog Gets Away
Written by: Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss
Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips
With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is confronting her boss, Terry.]
Rachel: Terry, I, I, I know that I haven't worked here very long, but I was
wondering, do you think it would be possible if I got a $100 advance in my salary?
Terry: An advance?
Rachel: It's so that I can spend Thanksgiving with my family. See, every year we
go skiing in Vail, and normally my father pays for my ticket, but I sort of started the
whole independence thing, you know, which is actually why I took this job.
Terry: Rachel, Rachel, sweetheart. You're a terrible, terrible waitress. Really,
really awful.
Rachel: Ok, I, I hear what you're sayin'. I'm with you. Um, but I, but I'm
trying really hard. And I think I'm doing better. I really do. Does anybody need coffee?
(everyone in the place raises their hand) Oh, look at that.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is approaching a customer.]
Rachel: Excuse me, sir. Hi, you come in here all time. I was just wondering, do
you think there's a possibility that you could give me an advance on my tips?
Guy: Huh?
Rachel: Ok, ok, that's fine. Fine. Hey, I'm sorry about that spill before.
(picks up the tip he leaves) Only $98.50 to go.
(Monica enters.)
Monica: Hey. Ross, did you know Mom and Dad are going to Puerto Rico for
Thanksgiving?
Ross: No, they're not.
Monica: Yes, they are. The Blymens invited them.
Ross: You're wrong.
Monica: I am not wrong.
Ross: You're wrong.
Monica: No, I just talked to them.
Ross: (getting up, upset) I'm calling Mom.
(Joey enters. His face looks abnormally colorful.)
Joey: Hey, hey.
Chandler: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey.
Chandler: And this from the cry-for-help department. Are you wearing makeup?
Joey: Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially Joey Tribbiani, actor slash model.
Chandler: That's so funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Joey
Tribbiani, man slash woman.
Phoebe: What were you modeling for?
Joey: You know those posters for the city free clinic?
Monica: Oh, wow, so you're gonna be one of those 'healthy, healthy, healthy
guys'?
Phoebe: You know, the asthma guy was really cute.
Chandler: Do you know which one you're gonna be?
Joey: No, but I hear lyme disease is open, so... (crosses fingers)
Chandler: Good luck, man. I hope you get it.
Joey: Thanks.
(Ross comes back to the couch.)
Ross: (to Monica) Well, you were right. How can they do this to us, huh? It's
Thanksgiving.
Monica: Ok, I'll tell you what. How about I cook dinner at my place? I'll make
it just like Mom's.
Ross: Will you make the mashed potatoes with the lumps?
Monica: You know, they're not actually supposed to have... (Ross looks at her
sheepishly) I'll work on the lumps. Joey, you're going home, right?
Joey: Yeah.
Monica: And I assume, Chandler, you are still boycotting all the pilgrim
holidays.
Chandler: Yes, every single one of them.
Monica: Phoebe, you're gonna be with your grandma?
Phoebe: Yes, and her boyfriend. But we're celebrating Thanksgiving in December
'cause he is lunar.
Monica: So you're free Thursday, then.
Phoebe: Yeah. Oh, can I come?
Monica: Yeah. Rach, are you thinking you're gonna make it to Vail?
Rachel: Absolutely. Shoop, shoop, shoop. Only a hundred and two dollars to go.
Chandler: I thought it was $98.50.
Rachel: Yeah, well it was. I, I broke a cup.
Ross: Well, I'm off to Carol's.
Phoebe: Ooh, ooh! Why don't we invite her?
Ross: (mimicking) Ooh, ooh. Because she's my ex-wife, and will probably want to
bring her, ooh, ooh, lesbian life partner.
[Scene: Carol and Susan's apartment, Susan is there. Ross enters.]
Ross: Hi, is uh, is Carol here?
Susan: No, she's at a faculty meeting.
Ross: Oh, I uh, just came by to pick up my skull. Well, not mine, but...Susan:
Come in.
Ross: Thanks. Yeah, Carol borrowed it for a class, and I have to get it back to
the museum.
Susan: What's it look like?
Ross: Kinda like a big face without skin.
Susan: Yes, I'm familiar with the concept. We can just look for it.
Ross: Ok. (browsing the apartment) Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about
bein' a lesbian.
Susan: Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise, they don't let you
do it.
Ross: (picking up a book) Hey, hey, Yertle the Turtle. A classic.
Susan: Actually, I'm reading it to the baby.
Ross: The uh, the baby that hasn't been born yet? Wouldn't that mean you're...
crazy?
Susan: What, you don't think they can hear sounds in there?
|
Ross: You're not serious, I mean, you really... you really talk to it?
Susan: Yeah, all the time. I want the baby to know my voice.
Ross: Do you uh, do you talk about me?
Susan: Yeah, yeah, all the time.
Ross: Really?
Susan: But um, we just refer to you as Bobo the Sperm Guy.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there but Rachel.]
Ross: Look, if she's talking to it, I just think that I should get some belly
time too. Not that I believe any of this.
Phoebe: Oh, I believe it. I think the baby can totally hear everything. I can
show you. Look, this will seem a little weird, but you put your head inside this turkey,
and then we'll all talk, and you'll hear everything we say.
Chandler: I'd just like to say that I'm totally behind this experiment. In fact,
I'd very much like to butter your head.
(Rachel enters.)
Monica: Hey, Rach, did you make your money?
Rachel: No, not even close. Forget Vail, forget seeing my family, forget shoop,
shoop, shoop.
Monica: Rach, here's your mail.
Rachel: Thanks, you can just put it on the table.
Monica: (insistently) No, here's your mail.
Rachel: Thanks, you can just put it on the table.
Monica: (gives her an envelope) Would you just open it?
(Rachel opens it. Inside is the money she needed.)
Rachel: Oh my god, oh, you guys are great.
Monica: We all chipped in.
Joey: (to Monica) We did?
Monica: (to Joey) You owe me 20 bucks.
Rachel: Thank you. Thank you so much!
Monica: (hands Chandler a bag) Chandler, here you go, got your traditional
Thanksgiving feast, you got your tomato soup, your grilled cheese fixin's, and your family
size bag of Funyuns.
Rachel: Wait, wait, Chandler, this is what you're havin' for Thanksgiving
dinner? What, what, what is it with you and this holiday?
Chandler: All right, I'm nine years old.
Ross: Oh, I hate this story.
Chandler: We just finished this magnificent Thanksgiving dinner. I have--and I
remember this part vividly--a mouthful of pumpkin pie, and this is the moment my parents
choose to tell me they're getting divorced.
Rachel: Oh my god.
Chandler: Yes. It's very difficult to appreciate a Thanksgiving dinner once
you've seen it in reverse.
[Scene: The subway, Joey spots a gorgeous woman waiting. He goes up to her.]
Joey: Uh, hi. We uh, we used to work together.
Girl: We did?
Joey: Yeah, at Macy's. You were the Obsession girl, right? I was the Aramis guy.
(pretends to spray cologne) Aramis? Aramis?
Girl: Yeah, right.
Joey: I gotta tell you. You're the best in the business.
Girl: Get out.
Joey: I'm serious. You're amazing. You know when to spritz, when to lay back.
Girl: Really? You don't know what that means to me.
Joey: Ooh, you smell great tonight. What're you wearing?
Girl: (provocatively) Nothing.
Joey: Listen, uh, you wanna go get a drink or something?
Girl: Yeah. (she gets up, notices something behind Joey) Oh.
Joey: What's wrong?
Girl: I just remembered, I have to do something.
Joey: Oh. What?
Girl: Um, leave.
Joey: Wait, wait, wait!
(Joey turns around and sees his face on a poster in the subway. The poster says: What
Mario isn't telling you...V.D., you never know who might have it. A variety of scenes are
shown with the poster displayed all over New York City.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey enters, amongst snickers from the gang.]
Joey: So I guess you all saw it.
Rachel: Saw what?
Phoebe: No, we were just laughing. You know, how laughter can be infectious.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey enters, upset.]
Joey: Set another place for Thanksgiving. My entire family thinks I have VD.
Chandler: Tonight, on a very special Blossom.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is cooking Thanksgiving dinner. Chandler is
standing in the doorway, not wanting to participate in the festivities.]
Monica: Mmm, looking good. Ok, cider's mulling, turkey's turking, yams are
yamming. (notices Ross is depressed) What?
Ross: I don't know. It's just not the same without Mom in the kitchen.
Monica: All right, that's it. You know what? Just get out of my way and stop
moping.
Ross: That's closer.
(Rachel enters, excited.)
Rachel: I got the tickets! I got the tickets! Five hours from now, shoop, shoop,
shoop.
Chandler: Oh, you must stop shooping.
Rachel: Ok, I'm gonna get my stuff.
Joey: Chandler, will you just come in already?
Chandler: No, I prefer to keep a safe distance from all this merriment.
(Phoebe takes a slice of pumpkin pie and waves it in front of Chandler's face.)
Phoebe: Look out, incoming pumpkin pie!
Chandler: Ok, we all laughed when you did it with the stuffing, but that's not
funny anymore.
(Chandler leaves.)
Joey: Hey, Monica, I got a question. I don't see any tater tots.
|
Monica: That's not a question.
Joey: But my mom always makes them. It's like a tradition. You get a little
piece of turkey on your fork, a little cranberry sauce, and a tot! It's bad enough I can't
be with my family because of my disease.
Monica: All right, fine. Tonight's potatoes will be both mashed with lumps, and
in the form of tots.
Ross: Ok, I'm off to talk to my unborn child.
(Ross grabs for some food, Monica slaps his hand away.)
Monica: Ah!
Ross: Ok, Mom never hit.
(Ross exits.)
Phoebe: (stirring pot) Ok, all done.
Monica: What, Phoebe, did you whip the potatoes? Ross needs lumps!
Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry, oh, I just, I thought we could have them whipped and then
add some peas and onions.
Monica: Why would we do that?
Phoebe: Well, 'cause then they'd be like my mom used to make them, you know,
before she died.
Monica: Ok, three kinds of potatoes coming up.
Rachel: Ok, good-bye you guys. Thanks for everything. (she starts to leave, and
hits everyone with her skis) Oh, sorry! Oh, sorry!
(Chandler enters, running.)
Chandler: The most unbelievable thing has happened. Underdog has just gotten
away.
Joey: The balloon?
Chandler: No, no, the actual cartoon character. Of course the balloon. It's all
over the news. Right before he reached Macy's, he broke free and was spotted
flying over Washington Square Park. I'm goin' to the roof, who's with me?
Rachel: I can't, I gotta go.
Chandler: Come on. An 80-foot inflatable dog let loose over the city. How often
does that happen?
Phoebe: Almost never.
Monica: Got the keys? or Got the keys!
Rachel: Ok.
(Everyone leaves the apartment.)
[Scene: Carol and Susan's, Ross is preparing to talk to her belly.]
Carol: Anytime you're ready.
Ross: Ok, ok, here we go. (he crouches down near her stomach) Ok, where am I
talking to, here? I mean, uh, well, there is one way that seems to offer a certain
acoustical advantage, but...
Carol: Just aim for the bump.
Ross: Ok, ok, ok, ok, here goes. You know, I, you know, can't do this. Uh, this
is too weird. I feel stupid.
Carol: So don't do it, it's fine. You don't have to do it just because Susan
does it.
Ross: (quickly talking) Hello, baby. Hello, hello.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the group is coming back from the roof.]
Rachel: I loved the moment when you first saw the giant dog shadow all over the
park.
Phoebe: Yeah, but did they have to shoot him down? I mean, that was just mean.
Monica: Ok, right about now the turkey should be crispy on the outside, juicy on
the inside. Why are we standing here?
Rachel: We're waiting for you to open the door. You got the keys.
Monica: No I don't.
Rachel: Yes, you do. When we left, you said, 'got the keys.'
Monica: No I didn't. I asked, 'got the ke-eys?'
Rachel: No, no, no, you said, 'got the keys'.
Chandler: Do either of you have the keys?
Monica: (panicked) The oven is on.
Rachel: Oh, I gotta get my ticket!
Joey: Wait, wait, we have a copy of your key.
Monica: Well then get it, get it!
Joey: That tone will not make me go any faster.
Monica: (angry) Joey!
Joey: That one will.
(Joey leaves to get the copy of the key.)
[Scene: Carol and Susan's, Carol is reading, Ross is talking to her stomach.]
Ross: And everyone's telling me, you gotta pick a major, you gotta pick a major.
So, on a dare, I picked paleontology. And you have no idea what I'm saying, because, let's
face it, you're a fetus. You're just happy you don't have gills anymore.
Carol: Look, you don't have to talk to it. You can sing to it if you want.
Ross: Oh, please. I am not singing to your stomach, ok?
(Susan enters.)
Susan: Hi, how's it goin?
Ross: Shh! (singing) Here we come, walkin' down the street, get the funniest
looks from, everyone we meet. Hey, hey! (to Carol) Hey, uh, did you just feel that?
Carol: I did.
Ross: Does it always, uh--?
Carol: No, no that was the first.
Susan: Keep singing! Keep singing!
Ross: (singing) Hey, hey, you're my baby, and I can't wait to meet you. When
you come out I'll buy you a bagel, and then we'll go to the zoo.
Susan: I felt it!
Ross: (singin) Hey, hey, I'm your daddy. I'm the one without any breasts.
[Scene: The Hallway, Joey has a tray full of keys, and is trying each one in the lock.]
Joey: Nope, not that one.
Monica: Can you go any faster with that?
Joey: Hey, I got one keyhole and about a zillion keys. You do the math.
Monica: Why do you guys have so many keys in there anyway?
|
The One With The Monkey
The One With the Monkey
Written by: Adam Chase & Ira Ungerleider
Transcribed by: guineapig
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.]
Ross: Guys? There's a somebody I'd like you to meet.
(A monkey jumps on to his shoulder.)
All: Oooh!
Monica: W-wait. What is that?
Ross: 'That' would be Marcel. You wanna say hi?
Monica: No, no, I don't.
Rachel: Oh, he is precious! Where did you get him?
Ross: My friend Bethel rescued him from some lab.
Phoebe: That is so cruel! Why? Why would a parent name their child Bethel?
Chandler: Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on its ass!
Monica: Ross, is he gonna live with you, like, in your apartment?
Ross: Yeah. I mean, it's been kinda quiet since Carol left, so...
Monica: Why don't you just get a roommate?
Ross: Nah, I dunno... I think you reach a certain age, having a roommate is
kinda pathe- (Realises) ....sorry, that's, that's 'pathet', which is Sanskrit for 'really
cool way to live'.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is getting ready to sing. Joey is not there.]
Phoebe: So you guys, I'm doing all new material tonight. I have twelve new songs
about my mother's suicide, and one about a snowman.
Chandler: Might wanna open with the snowman.
(Enter Joey)
All: Hey, Joey. Hey, buddy.
Monica: So, how'd it go?
Joey: Ahhhhhh, I didn't get the job.
Ross: How could you not get it? You were Santa last year.
Joey: I dunno. Some fat guy's sleeping with the store manager. He's not even
jolly, it's all political.
Monica: So what are you gonna be?
Joey: Ah, I'm gonna be one of his helpers. It's just such a slap in the face,
y'know?
Rachel: Hey, do you guys know what you're doing for New Year's? (They all
protest and hit her with cushions) Gee, what?! What is wrong with New Year's?
Chandler: Nothing for you, you have Paolo. You don't have to face the horrible
pressures of this holiday: desperate scramble to find anything with lips just so you can
have someone to kiss when the ball drops!! Man, I'm talking loud!
Rachel: Well, for your information, Paolo is gonna be in Rome this New Year, so
I'll be just as pathetic as the rest of you.
Phoebe: Yeah, you wish!
Chandler: It's just that I'm sick of being a victim of this Dick Clark holiday.
I say this year, no dates, we make a pact. Just the six of us- dinner.
All: Yeah, okay. Alright.
Chandler: Y'know, I was hoping for a little more enthusiasm.
All: Woooo! Yeah!
Rachel: Phoebe, you're on.
Phoebe: Oh, oh, good.
Rachel: (Into microphone) Okay, hi. Ladies and gentlemen, back by popular
demand, Miss Phoebe Buffay. Wooh!
Phoebe: (Takes mike) Thanks, hi. Um, I wanna start with a song that means a lot
to me this time of year. (Shakes bell as an introduction) (Sung:)
I made a man with eyes of coal
And a smile so bewitchin',
How was I supposed to know
That my mom was dead in the kitchen?
(shakes bell) La lalala la la la la lalala la la...
(Cut to later. Everyone is totally depressed by now.)
Phoebe: (Sung)
...My mother's ashes
Even her eyelashes
Are resting in a little yellow jar,
And sometimes when it's breezy...
(Over the sound of Phoebe singing we hear two scientists, Max and David, having a noisy
discussion)
Phoebe: (Sung)
...I feel a little sneezy
And now I- (abruptly stops)
Excuse me, excuse me! Yeah, noisy boys! (They stop talking and look up) Is
it something that you would like to share with the entire group?
Max: No. No, that's- that's okay.
Phoebe: Well, c'mon, if it's important enough to discuss while I'm playing, then
I assume it's important enough for everyone else to hear!
Chandler: (Quietly, to the others) That guy's going home with a note!
David: Noth- I was- I was just saying to my-
Phoebe: Could you speak up please?
David: (Stands up and speaks more loudly) Sorry, I wa- I was just saying to my
friend that I thought you were the most beautiful woman that I'd ever seen in my- in my
life. And then he said that- you said you thought
Max: Daryl Hannah.
David: Daryl Hannah was the most beautiful woman that he'd ever seen in his life
and I said yeah, I liked her in Splash, a lot, but not so much in- in Wall Street, I
thought she had kind of a
Max: Hard quality.
David: -hard quality. And uh, while Daryl Hannah is beautiful in a conventional
way, you are luminous with a kind of a delicate grace. Then, uh, that-that-that's when you
started yelling. (Sits down)
|
Phoebe: Okay, we're gonna take a short break. (Goes over to their table)
Joey: Hey, that guy's going home with more than a note!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Joey is decorating for Christmas.]
Ross: Come here, Marcel. Sit here. (Marcel wanders off)
Rachel: Pheebs, I can't believe he hasn't kissed you yet. I mean God, by my
sixth date with Paolo, I mean he had already named both my breasts! ...Ooh. Did I just
share too much?
Ross: Just a smidge.
Phoebe: David's like, y'know, Scientist Guy. He's very methodical.
Monica: I think it's romantic.
Phoebe: Me too! Oh! Did you ever see An Officer and a Gentleman?
Rachel: Yeah!
Phoebe: Well, he's kinda like the guy I went to see that with. Except, except
he-he's smarter, and gentler, and sweeter... I just- I just wanna be with him all the
time. Day and night, and night and day... and special occasions...
Chandler: Wait a minute, wait a minute, I see where this is going, you're gonna
ask him to New Year's, aren't you. You're gonna break the pact. She's gonna break the
pact.
Phoebe: No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, could I just?
Chandler: Yeah, 'cause I already asked Janice.
Monica: What?!
Ross: C'mon, this was a pact! This was your pact!
Chandler: I snapped, okay? I couldn't handle the pressure and I snapped.
Monica: Yeah, but Janice? That-that was like the worst breakup in history!
Chandler: I'm not saying it was a good idea, I'm saying I snapped!
[Joey enters, his shoes have bells on, which jingle as he walks. He is wearing a long
coat.]
Joey: Hi. Hi, sorry I'm late.
(He removes the coat to reveal an elf costume)
Chandler: Too many jokes... must mock Joey!
Joey: Nice shoes, huh? (He wiggles his foot and the bells tinkle)
Chandler: Aah, y'killing me!
(Marcel knocks over some kitchen tools)
Monica: Ross! He's playing with my spatulas again!
Ross: Okay, look, he's not gonna hurt them, right?
Monica: Do you always have to bring him here?
Ross: I didn't wanna leave him alone. Alright? We- we had our first fight this
morning. I think it has to do with my working late. I said some things that I didn't mean,
and he- he threw some faeces...
Chandler: Y'know, if you're gonna work late, I could look in on him for you.
Ross: Oh, that'd be great! Okay, but if you do, make sure it seems like you're
there to see him, okay, and you're not like doing it as a favour to me.
Chandler: Okay, but if he asks, I'm not going to lie.
[Scene: Max and David's lab, David is explaining something to Phoebe with the aid of a
whiteboard.]
David: ...But, you can't actually test this theory, because today's particle
accelerators are nowhere near powerful enough to simulate these conditions.
Phoebe: Okay, alright, I have a question, then.
David: Yuh.
Phoebe: Um, were you planning on kissing me ever?
David: Uh, that's definitely a, uh, valid question. And, uh, the answer would be
(Writes YES on the board) yes. Yes I was. But, see, I wanted it to be this phenomenal kiss
that happened at this phenomenal moment, because, well, 'cause it's you.
Phoebe: Sure.
David: Right. But, see, the longer I waited, the more phenomenal the kiss had to
be, and now we've reached a place where it's just gotta be one of those things where I
just like... sweep everything off the table and throw you down on it. And, uh, I'm not
really a, uh, sweeping sorta fella.
Phoebe: Oh, David, I, I think you are a sweeping sorta fella. I mean, you're a
sweeper! ...trapped inside a physicist's body.
David: Rrrreally.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, oh, I'm sure of it. You should just do it, just sweep and
throw me.
David: ...Now? Now?
Phoebe: Oh yeah, right now.
David: Okay, okay, okay. (Gets ready to sweep, and then picks up a laptop
computer) Y'know what, this was just really expensive. (Puts it down elsewhere. Then picks
up a microscope) And I'll take- this was a gift. (Moves it)
Phoebe: Okay, now you're just kinda tidying.
David: Okay, what the hell, what the hell. (Sweeps the remaining papers off the
desk and grabs Phoebe) You want me to actually throw you or you-you wanna just hop?
Phoebe: I can hop. (She hops onto the table)
(They kiss, finally)
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]
Ross: So tell me something. What does the phrase 'no date pact' mean to you?
Monica: I'm sorry, okay. It's just that Chandler has somebody, and Phoebe has
somebody- I thought I'd ask Fun Bobby.
Chandler: Fun Bobby? Your ex-boyfriend Fun Bobby?
Monica: Yeah.
Joey: You know more than one Fun Bobby?
Chandler: I happen to know a Fun Bob.
Rachel: (Brings Joey a mug of coffee) Okay, here we go...
|
Joey: Ooh ooh ooh ooh, there's no room for milk!
Rachel: (Glances at Joey and then sips his coffee) There. Now there is.
Ross: Okay, so on our no-date evening, three of you now have dates.
Joey: Uh, four.
Ross: Four.
Rachel: Five.
Ross: Five. (Buries his head in his hands)
Rachel: Sorry. Paolo's catching an earlier flight.
Joey: Yeah, and I met this really hot single mom at the store. What's an elf to
do?
Ross: Okay, so I'm gonna be the only one standing there alone when the ball
drops?
Rachel: Oh, c'mon. We'll have, we'll have a big party, and no-one'll know who's
with who.
Ross: Hey, y'know, this is so not what I needed right now.
Monica: What's the matter?
Ross: Oh, it's-it's Marcel. He keeps shutting me out, y'know? He's walking
around all the time dragging his hands...
Chandler: That's so weird, I had such a blast with him the other night.
Ross: Really.
Chandler: Yeah, we played, we watched TV.. that juggling thing is amazing.
Ross: What, uh... what juggling thing?
Chandler: With the balled-up socks? I figured you taught him that.
Ross: No.
Chandler: Y'know, it wasn't that big a deal. He just balled up socks... and a
melon...
(Max runs in)
Max: Phoebe. Hi.
Phoebe: Oh, hi Max! Hey, do you know everybody?
Max: No. Have you seen David?
Phoebe: No, no, he hasn't been around.
Max: Well, if you see him, tell him to pack his bags. We are going to Minsk.
Phoebe: Minsk?
Max: Minsk. It's in Russia.
Phoebe: I know where Minsk is.
Max: We got the grant. Three years, all expenses paid.
Phoebe: So when, when do you leave?
Max: January first.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Max and David's lab, they are working. Phoebe knocks on the door]
Phoebe: Hello?
David: Hey!
Phoebe: Hi.
David: Hi! (Kisses her) What-what're you doing here?
Phoebe: Um, well, Max told me about Minsk, so (Puts on a fake cheery voice)
congratulations! This is so exciting!
Max: It'd be even more exciting if we were going.
Phoebe: Oh, you're not going? (Fake disappointed voice) Oh, why?
Max: Tell her, David. 'I don't wanna go to Minsk and work with Lifson and
Yamaguchi and Flench, on nonononononono. I wanna stay here and make out with my
girlfriend!!' (Storms out)
David: Thank you, Max. Thank you.
Phoebe: So-so you're really not going?
David: I don't know. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I just- you decide.
Phoebe: Oh don't do that.
David: Please.
Phoebe: Oh no no.
David: No, but I'm asking-
Phoebe: Oh, but I can't do that-
David: No, but I can't-
Phoebe: It's your thing, and-
David: -make the decision-
Phoebe: Okay, um, stay.
David: Stay.
Phoebe: Stay.
(He thinks for a moment and sweeps the stuff off the table)
Phoebe: Getting so good at that! (She hops on)
David: It was Max's stuff. (They kiss)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the party has started.]
Janice: I love this artichoke thing! Oh, don't tell me what's in it, the diet
starts tomorrow! (Laughs her Janice laugh)
Chandler: You remember Janice.
Monica: Vividly.
(Someone knocks on the door; Monica gets it)
Monica: Hi.
Sandy: Hi, I'm Sandy.
Joey: Sandy! Hi! C'mon in! (She enters, followed by a young boy and a younger
girl)...You brought your kids.
Sandy: Yeah. That's okay, right?
(Joey and Monica look at each other and shrug. Ross enters with Marcel on his shoulder)
Ross: Par-tay!
Monica: That thing is not coming in here.
Ross: 'That thing'? This is how you greet guests at a party? Let me ask you
something, if I showed up here with my new girlfriend, she wouldn't be welcome in your
home?
Monica: I'm guessing your new girlfriend wouldn't urinate on my coffee table.
Ross: Okay. He was more embarrassed about that than anyone. Okay? And for him to
have the courage to walk back in here like nothing happened...
Monica: Alright. Just keep him away from me.
Ross: Thank you. (She walks off) C'mon, Marcel, whaddya say you and I do a
little mingling? (Marcel runs off) Alright, I'll, uh... catch up with you later.
(The door opens. Rachel is standing there. Her coat is muddy and torn, her hair is
dishevelled and her face is bruised. Everyone turns to look)
Monica: Oh my gosh! Rachel, honey.. are you okay? Where-where's Paolo?
Rachel: Rome. Jerk missed his flight.
Phoebe: And then... your face is bloated?
Rachel: No. Okay. I was at the airport, getting into a cab, when this woman-
this blonde planet with a pocketbook- starts yelling at me. Something about how it was her
cab first. And then the next thing I know she just starts- starts pulling me out by my
hair! So I'm blowing my attack whistle thingy and three more cabs show up, and as I'm
going to get into a cab she tackles me. And I hit my head on the kerb and cut my lip on my
whistle...oh...everybody having fun at the party? (To Monica) Are people eating my dip?
[Time lapse. Monica and Rachel, fixed up somewhat, emerge from a bedroom]
Sandy: Y'know, when I saw you at the store last week, it was probably the first
time I ever mentally undressed an elf.
|
Joey: Wow, that's, uh, dirty.
Sandy: Yeah.
(They almost kiss and then Joey realises her kids are staring at them)
Joey: Hey, kids...
Ross: (Watching Marcel play with Phoebe. To Chandler) Look at him. I'm not
saying he has to spend the whole evening with me, but at least check in.
Janice: (Startles them) There you are! Haaah, you got away from me!
Chandler: (Imitating) But you found me!
Janice: Here, Ross, take our picture. (Hands him a camera and he starts
snapping) Smile! You're on Janice Camera!
Chandler: Kill me. Kill me now.
(Someone else knocks on the door. Monica looks through the spyhole)
Monica: Hey everybody! It's Fun Bobby!
(Everyone cheers. Monica opens the door. Bobby is obviously very depressed)
Fun Bobby: Hey, sorry I'm late. But my, uh, grandfather, he- died about two
hours ago. But I-I-I couldn't get a flight out 'til tomorrow, so here I am!
Joey: (Approaching) Hey Fun Bobby! Whoah! Who died?
(Monica gestures wildly behind Fun Bobby's back)
[Time lapse. Bobby is talking about his grandfather. Everyone else is virtually in
tears]
Fun Bobby: It's gonna be an open casket, y'know, so at least I'll- I get to see
him again.
Janice: (Ross is still taking their photo) Oh, I'm gonna blow this one up, and
I'm gonna write 'Reunited' in glitter.
Chandler: Alright, Janice, that's it! Janice... Janice... Hey, Janice, when I
invited you to this party I didn't necessarily think that it meant that we-
Janice: Oh, no. Oh, no.
Chandler: I'm sorry you misunderstood...
Janice: Oh my God. You listen to me, Chandler, you listen to me. One of these
times is just gonna be your last chance with me. (She runs off)
(Ross is still taking photos)
Chandler: Oh, will you give me the thing. (Snatches the camera)
(David is feeding Phoebe popcorn. Max walks up)
Phoebe: Hi, Max!
Max: Yoko. (To David) I've decided to go to Minsk without you.
David: Wow.
Max: It won't be the same- but it'll still be Minsk. Happy New Year.(Walks off)
Phoebe: Are you alright?
David: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.
(Phoebe leads David into a bedroom)
Phoebe: You're going to Minsk.
David: No, I'm... not going to Minsk.
Phoebe: Oh, you are so going to Minsk. You belong in Minsk. You can't stay here
just 'cause of me.
David: Yes I can. Because if I go it means I have to break up with you, and I
can't break up with you.
Phoebe: Oh yes, yes, yes you can. Just say, um, 'Phoebe, my work is my life and
that's what I have to do right now'. And I say 'your work?! Your work?! How can you say
that?!'. And then you say, um, 'it's tearing me apart, but I have no choice. Can't you
understand that?'. And I say (Hits him) 'no! No! I can't understand that!'.
David: Uh, ow.
Phoebe: Ooh, sorry. Um, and, and then you put your arms around me. And then you
put your arms around me. (He does so) And, um, and then you tell me that you love me and
you'll never forget me.
David: I'll never forget you.
Phoebe: And then you say that it's almost midnight and you have to go because
you don't wanna start the new year with me if you can't finish it. (They kiss) I'm gonna
miss you. You scientist guy.
Dick Clark: (on TV) Hi, this is Dick Clark, live in Times Square. We're in a
virtual snowstorm of confetti here in Times Square...
(Joey puts a blanket over Sandy's kids)
Joey: There y'go, kids.
Chandler: (To a woman who he has clearly just met) And then the peacock bit me.
(Laughs) Please kiss me at midnight. (She leaves)
Joey: You seen Sandy?
Chandler: Ooh. Uh, I don't know how to tell you this, but she's in Monica's
bedroom, getting it on with Max, that scientist geek. Ooh, look at that, I did know how to
tell you.
Rachel: Vrrbddy, the bll is drrbing.
All: (in the kitchen) What?
Rachel: The bll is drrbing!
Dick Clark: (on TV) In twenty seconds it'll be midnight...
Chandler: And the moment of joy is upon us.
Joey: Looks like that no date pact thing worked out.
Phoebe: Everybody looks so happy. I hate that.
Monica: Not everybody's happy. Hey Bobby!
(Bobby waves and then bursts into tears. Midnight comes and everyone at the party
except for the gang cheers and kisses)
Chandler: Y'know, I uh.. just thought I'd throw this out here. I'm no math whiz,
but I do believe there are three girls and three guys right here. (Makes kiss noise)
Phoebe: I dunno. I don't feel like kissing anyone tonight.
Rachel: I can't kiss anyone.
Monica: So I'm kissing everyone?
Joey: Nonono, you can't kiss Ross, that's your brother.
Ross: Perfect. Perfect. So now everybody's getting kissed but me.
|
The One With Mrs. Bing
The One With Mrs. Bing
Written by: Alexa Junge
Transcribed by: guineapig
[Scene: A Street: Monica and Phoebe are walking to a newsstand.]
Phoebe: Do you think they have yesterday's daily news?
Monica: Why?
Phoebe: Just wanna check my horoscope, see if it was right.
Monica: Oh my God. (Grabs Phoebe and turns her away) Phoebe. Don't look now, but
behind us is a guy who has the potential to break our hearts and plunge us into a pit of
depression.
Phoebe: Where? (Turns to face him) Ooh, come to Momma.
Monica: He's coming. Be cool, be cool, be cool.
(The guy walks past them)
Guy: Nice hat.
Monica and Phoebe: (in unison) Thanks.
(The guy walks on)
Phoebe: We should do something. Whistle.
Monica: We are not going to whistle.
Phoebe: Come on, do it.
Monica: No!
Phoebe: Do it!
Monica: No!
Phoebe: Do it do it do it!
Monica: (Shouts to the guy) Woo-woo!
(The guy turns round, startled. Monica points to Phoebe. The guy gets hit by a truck)
Phoebe: I can't believe you did that!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Hospital, the guy is in a coma and Mon and Pheebs are visiting.]
Monica: Why did I 'woo-hoo'? I mean, what was I hoping would happen? That-that
he'd turn round and say 'I love that sound, I must have you now'?
Phoebe: I just wish there was something we could do. (Bends down and talks to
him) Hello. Hello, Coma Guy. GET UP, YOU GIRL SCOUT! UP! UP! UP!
Monica: Phoebe, what are you doing?
Phoebe: Maybe nobody's tried this.
Monica: I wish we at least knew his name... Look at that face. I mean, even
sleeping, he looks smart. I bet he's a lawyer.
Phoebe: Yeah, but did you see the dents in his knuckles? That means he's
artistic.
Monica: Okay, he's a lawyer, who teaches sculpting on the side. And- he can
dance!
Phoebe: Oh! And, he's the kinda guy who, when you're talking, he's listening,
y'know, and not saying 'Yeah, I understand' but really wondering what you look like naked.
Monica: I wish all guys could be like him.
Phoebe: I know.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe are telling everyone about their coma
guy.]
Chandler: Are there no conscious men in the city for you two?
Monica: He doesn't have anyone.
Phoebe: Yeah, we-we feel kinda responsible.
Joey: I can't believe you said woowoo. I don't even say woowoo.
Rachel: Oh, she's coming up! She's coming up! (Turns on the TV)
Jay Leno: (on TV) Folks, when we come back we'll be talking about her new book,
'Euphoria Unbound': the always interesting Nora Tyler Bing. You might wanna put the kids
to bed for this one.
(Everyone has settled down to watch, except Chandler)
Chandler: Y'know, we don't have to watch this. Weekend At Bernie's is
on Showtime, HBO, and Cinemax.
Rachel: No way, forget it.
Joey: C'mon, she's your mom!
Chandler: Exactly. Weekend At Bernie's! Dead guy getting hit in the
groin twenty, thirty times! No?
Rachel: Chandler, I gotta tell you, I love your mom's books! I love her books! I
cannot get on a plane without one! I mean, this is so cool!
Chandler: Yeah, well, you wouldn't think it was cool if you're eleven years old
and all your friends are passing around page 79 of 'Mistress Bitch.'
Ross: C'mon, Chandler, I love your mom. I think she's a blast.
Chandler: You can say that because she's not your mom.
Ross: Oh, please...
(Rachel opens the door to Paolo)
Paolo: Bona sera.
Rachel: Oh, hi sweetie. (They kiss)
Ross: When did Rigatoni get back from Rome?
Monica: Last night.
Ross: Ah, so then his plane didn't explode in a big ball of fire?... Just a
dream I had- but, phew.
Phoebe: Hey hey hey! She's on!
Paolo: Ah! Nora Bing!
Jay Leno: (on TV) ...Now what is this about you-you being arrested i-in London?
What is that all about?
Phoebe: Your mom was arrested?
Chandler: Shhh, busy beaming with pride.
Mrs. Bing: (on TV) ...This is kind of embarrassing, but occasionally after I've
been intimate with a man...
Chandler: Now why would she say that's embarrassing?
All: Shhh.
Mrs. Bing: (on TV) ...I just get this craving for Kung Pow Chicken.
Chandler: THAT'S TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!
Jay Leno: (on TV) Alright, so now you're doing this whole book tour thing, how
is that going?
Mrs. Bing: (on TV) Oh, fine. I'm leaving for New York tomorrow, which I hate-
but I get to see my son, who I love...
All: Awww!
Chandler: This is the way that I find out. Most moms use the phone.
Jay Leno: (on TV) Y'know, don't take this wrong, I-I just don't see you a-as a
mom, somehow.. I don't mean that, I don't mean that bad...
Mrs. Bing: (on TV) Oh no, I am a fabulous mom! I bought my son his first
condoms.
(The gang turn to look at Chandler)
|
Chandler: ...And then he burst into flames.
[Scene: The Hospital, it's a montage of Monica and Phoebe's visit to the hospital with My
Guy playing in the background. It starts with Monica reading a newspaper to
him.]
Monica: Let's see. Congress is debating a new deficit reduction bill... the
mayor wants to raise subway fares again... the high today was forty-five... and- oh, teams
played sports.
[Next is a shot of them dragging an enormous plant into the room, then Monica knitting
a sweater, then Phoebe singing, then Phoebe shaving him and chatting to Monica]
Phoebe: What about Glen? He could be a Glen.
Monica: Nah... not-not special enough.
Phoebe: Ooh! How about Agamemnon?
Monica: Waaay too special.
[Scene: A Mexican Restaurant, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and his mom are there.]
Mrs. Bing: I am famished. What do I want... (Looks at Chandler's menu)
Chandler: Please God don't let it be Kung Pow Chicken.
Mrs. Bing: Oh, you watched the show! What'd you think?
Chandler: Well, I think you need to come out of your shell just a little.
Ross: (Entering) What is this dive? Only you could've picked this place.
Mrs. Bing: Oooh, c'mon, shut up, it's fun. Gimme a hug. (They both sit down)
Well, I think we're ready for some tequila.
Chandler: I know I am.
Mrs. Bing: Who's doing shots?
Monica: Yeah.
Phoebe: I'm in.
Mrs. Bing: There y'go. Ross?
Ross: Uh, I'm not really a shot drinking kinda guy.
(Enter Rachel and Paolo. They are both somewhat flustered)
Rachel: Hi! Sorry- sorry we're late, we, uh, kinda just, y'know, lost track of
time.
Ross: ...But a man can change. (Downs a shot)
[Time lapse. Ross is now clearly drunk. He is holding up a shot glass to his eye like a
jeweller's eye.]
Ross: Anyone want me to appraise anything?
(Rachel feeds something to Paolo. He eats it and licks her hand)
Rachel: Mrs. Bing, I have to tell you, I've read everything you've ever written.
No, I mean it! I mean, when I read Euphoria at Midnight, all I wanted to do was become a
writer.
Mrs. Bing: Oh, please, honey, listen, if I can do it, anybody can. You just
start with half a dozen European cities, throw in thirty euphemisms for male genitalia,
and bam! You have got yourself a book.
Chandler: Myyy mother, ladies and gentlemen.
[Cut to Mrs. Bing on the telephone.]
Mrs. Bing: Yeah, any messages for room 226?
(Ross emerges from a toilet marked 'Chicas')
Mrs. Bing: You okay there, slugger?
Ross: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. (A woman emerges from the toilet behind him and
he tries to pretend he was in the other one)
Mrs. Bing: What is with you tonight?
Ross: Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing.
Mrs. Bing: (To phone) Okay, thank you. (To Ross) It's the Italian Hand-Licker,
isn't it.
Ross: No. It's the one he's licking.
Mrs. Bing: She's supposed to be with you.
Ross: You're good.
Mrs. Bing: Oh, Ross, listen to me. I have sold a hundred million copies of my
books, and y'know why?
Ross: The girl on the cover with her nipples showing?
Mrs. Bing: No. Because I know how to write men that women fall in love with.
Believe me, I cannot sell a Paolo. People will not turn three hundred twenty-five pages
for a Paolo. C'mon, the guy's a secondary character, a, y'know, complication you
eventually kill off.
Ross: When?
Mrs. Bing: He's not a hero. ...You know who our hero is.
Ross: The guy on the cover with his nipples showing?
Mrs. Bing: No, it's you!
Ross: Please.
Mrs. Bing: No, really, c'mon. You're smart, you're sexy...
Ross: Right.
Mrs. Bing: You are gonna be fine, believe me.
(She kisses him on the cheek)
Ross: Uh-oh...
(...Then full on the mouth)
(Enter Joey)
Joey: Uhhhh.... I'll just pee in the street.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the next morning. Joey is getting the door in his dressing
gown it's Ross.]
Ross: Hey, is Chandler here?
Joey: Yeah.
(Ross drags Joey into the hall and slams the door)
Ross: Okay, uh, about last night, um, Chandler.. you didn't tell... (Joey shakes
his head) Okay, 'cause I'm thinking- we don't need to tell Chandler, I mean, it was just a
kiss, right? One kiss? No big deal? Right?
Joey: Right. No big deal.
Ross: Okay.
Joey: In Bizarro World!! You broke the code!
Ross: What code?
Joey: You don't kiss your friend's mom! Sisters are okay, maybe a hot-lookin'
aunt... but not a mom, never a mom!
(Chandler opens the door and startles them. He picks up the paper)
Chandler: What are you guys doing out here?
Ross: Uh.. uh.. Well, Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning
racquetball game. But, um, apparently, somebody overslept.
Joey: Yeah, well, you don't have your racket.
|
Ross: No, no I don't, because it's being restrung, somebody was supposed to
bring me one.
Joey: Yeah, well you didn't call and leave your grip size.
Chandler: Okay, you guys spend waaaay too much time together. (Goes back inside
and shuts the door)
Ross: Okay, I'm scum, I'm scum.
Joey: Ross, how could you let this happen?
Ross: I don't know, God, I... well, it's not like she's a regular mom, y'know?
She's, she's sexy, she's...
Joey: You don't think my mom's sexy?
Ross: Well... not in the same way...
Joey: I'll have you know that Gloria Tribbiani was a handsome woman in her day,
alright? You think it's easy giving birth to seven children?
Ross: Okay, I think we're getting into a weird area here...
(Monica and Rachel's door opens and Rachel and Paolo emerge)
Rachel: Hey.
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: What're you guys doing out here?
Ross: Well, not playing raquetball!
Joey: He forgot to leave his grip size!
Ross: He didn't get the goggles!
Rachel: Well,sounds like you two have issues.
(She and Paolo walk a little way down the hall)
Rachel: Goodbye, baby.
Paolo: Ciao, bela.
(They kiss. Ross is watching them)
Ross: Do they wait for me to do this?
(Joey and Ross go into Monica and Rachel's apartment)
Joey: So are you gonna tell him?
Ross: Why would I tell him?
Joey: How about 'cause if you don't, his mother might.
Ross: Oh...
Monica: (Entering) What are you guys doing here?
Joey: Uhhhh.... he's not even wearing a jockstrap!
Monica: ...What did I ask?
[Scene: Hospital. Phoebe is there stroking Coma Guy's hair, when Monica enters with a
bunch of balloons.]
Monica: Hi.
Phoebe: Hi.
Monica: What are you doing here?
Phoebe: Nothing, I just thought I'd stop by.. y'know, after the uh... that I..
y'know, so what are you doing here?
Monica: I'm not really here. Just thought I'd drop these off...on the way.. my
way... Do you come here a lot? Without me?
Phoebe: No. (Monica brushes Coma Guy's hair in the other direction) No! No!
...So, um, do you think he's doing any better than he was this morning?
Monica: How would I know? I-I wasn't here.
Phoebe: Really? Not even to, um, change his PAJAMAS?! (Whips back the sheet to
reveal him wearing new pajamas.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is talking to Chandler. Joey is making a snack at the
bar.]
Chandler: Oh my God.
Ross: You're my friend. I-I had to tell you.
Chandler: I can't believe it. Paolo kissed my mom?
Ross: Yeah, um, I don't know if you noticed, but he had a lot to drink, and you
know how he gets when he's drun..uh... (He has caught sight of Joey scowling at him) I
can't do this, I did it, it was me, I'm sorry, I kissed your mom.
Chandler: What?
Ross: I was really upset about Rachel and Paolo, and I think I had too much
tequila, and Nora- um, Mrs. Mom- your Bing- was just being nice, y'know, and- But nothing
happened, nothing- Ask Joey, Joey, uh, came in-
Chandler: (To Joey) You knew about this?
Joey: Uh... y'know, knowledge is a tricky thing.
Chandler: I spent the entire day with you, why didn't you tell me?!
Joey: Hey, hey, hey, you're lucky I caught them when I did, or else who knows
what woulda happened.
Ross: Thanks, man, big help.
Chandler: (To Ross) I can't believe this! What the hell were you thinking?
Ross: I wasn't- I mean, I-
Chandler: Y'know, of all my friends, no-one knows the crap I go through with my
mom more than you.
Ross: I know-
Chandler: I can't believe you did this. (Walks toward the door)
Ross: Chandler-
Joey: Me neither, y'know what-
Chandler: I'm still mad at you for not telling me.
Joey: What are you mad at me for?!
Ross: Chandler-
Chandler: You gotta let me slam the door! (Leaves; slams the door)
Joey: (Shouting after him) Chandler, I didn't kiss her, he did! (To Ross) See
what happens when you break the code?
Ross: Joey-
Joey: Ah! (Points to door) Huh? (Leaves and slams the door)
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except for Chandler. Rachel is writing
something and Monica walks up.]
Monica: Hey.
Rachel: Hey.
Monica: (Reading) 'A Woman Undone, by Rachel Karen Green'.
Rachel: Yeah. Thought I'd give it a shot. I'm still on the first chapter. Now,
do you think his 'love stick can be liberated from its denim prison'?
Monica: (Reads) Yeah, I'd say so. And there's no 'j' in 'engorged'.
Phoebe: (Walks up with her guitar) Hey Rach.
Rachel: Hey.
Phoebe: Hello.
Monica: Hello.
Phoebe: Going to the hospital tonight?
Monica: No, you?
Phoebe: No, you?
Monica: You just asked me.
Phoebe: Okay, maybe it was a trick question. (Plays a few chords) Um, Rachel can
we do this now?
|
Rachel: Okay. (Writes a little more) I am so hot!
Joey: (To Ross, on the couch) Now, here's a picture of my mother and father on
their wedding day. Now you tell me she's not a knockout.
Ross: I cannot believe we're having this conversation.
Joey: C'mon! Just try to picture her not pregnant, that's all.
Rachel: (Into microphone) Central Perk is proud to present Miss Phoebe Buffay.
Phoebe: Thanks. Hi, um, 'kay. I'd like to start with a song that's about a man
that I recently met, who's, um, come to be very important to me. (Monica gives her a look)
'Kay. (Sung:)
You don't have to be awake to be my man,
As long as you have brainwaves I'll be there to hold your hand.
Though we just met the other day,
There's something I have got to say...
(She sees Monica sneaking out) Okay, thank you very much, I'm gonna take a
short break! (Runs out, knocking over the mike stand)
Rachel: (Into mike) Okay, that was Phoebe Buffay, everybody. Woo!
(Enter Chandler)
Chandler: What was that?
Ross: Oh, uh, Phoebe just started a...
Chandler: Yeah, I believe I was talking to Joey, alright there, Mother-Kisser?
(Goes to the counter)
Joey: (Laughing) Mother-Kisser... (Sees Ross's look) I'll shut up.
Ross: Chandler, can I just say something? I-I know you're still mad at me, I
just wanna say that there were two people there that night. Okay? Two sets of lips.
Chandler: Yes, well, I expect this from her. Okay? She's always been a Freudian
nightmare.
Ross: Okay, well, if she always behaves like this, why don't you say something?
Chandler: Because it's complicated, it's complex- Hey, you kissed my mom!
(People turn to look)
Ross: (To the rest of Central Perk) We're rehearsing a Greek play.
Chandler: That's very funny. We done now?
Ross: No! Okay, you mean, you're not gonna talk to her, you're not gonna tell
her how you feel?
Chandler: That would be no. Look, just because you played tonsil tennis with my
mom doesn't mean you know her. Alright? Trust me, you can't talk to her.
Ross: Okay, 'you' can't, or (Points to Chandler) you can't? (Chandler grabs his
finger) Okay, that's my finger. (Chandler twists it and Ross goes down on one knee)
That's, that's my knee. (To Central Perk) Still doing the play. Aaah!
[Scene: The Coma Guy's Room, Monica bursts in, closely followed by Phoebe. There is no
sign of Coma Guy. His bed is empty.]
Phoebe: Alright, whadyou do with him?
(There is the sound of a flushing toilet and Coma Guy emerges from the bathroom)
Monica: Oh! You're awake!
Phoebe: Look at you! How, how do you feel?
Coma Guy: Uh, a little woozy, but basically okay.
Monica: You look good!
Coma Guy: I feel good! ...Who are you?
Monica: Oh, sorry.
Phoebe: I'm Phoebe Buffay.
Monica: I'm Monica Geller. I've been taking care of you.
Phoebe: Well, we both have.
Coma Guy: So, the Etch-a-Sketch is from you guys?
Phoebe: Well, actually it's just from me.
Monica: I got you the foot massager.
Phoebe: You know who shaved you? That was me.
Monica: I read to you.
Phoebe: I sang. (To Monica) Hah!
Coma Guy: Well,... thanks.
Monica: Oh, my pleasure.
Phoebe: You're welcome.
Coma Guy: So. I guess I'll see you around.
Phoebe: What, that's it?
Monica: 'See you around?'
Coma Guy: Well, what do you want me to say?
Monica: Oh, I don't know. Maybe, um, 'That was nice?' Admit something
to me? 'I'll call you?'
Coma Guy: Alright, I'll call you.
Phoebe: I don't think you mean that.
Monica: This is so typical. Y'know, we give, and we give, and we give. And then-
we just get nothing back! And then one day, y'know, it's just, you wake up, and 'See
you around!' Let's go, Phoebe.
Phoebe: Y'know what? We thought you were different. But I guess it was just the
coma.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's Chandler is talking with his mom.]
Mrs. Bing: Car's waiting downstairs, I just wanted to drop off these copies of
my book for your friends. Anything you want from Lisbon?
Chandler: No, just knowing you're gonna be there is enough.
Mrs. Bing: Alright, well, be good, I love you. (Kisses him and goes to leave)
Chandler: You kissed my best Ross! ...Or something to that effect.
Mrs. Bing: (Reentering) O-kay. Look, it, it was stupid.
Chandler: Really stupid.
Mrs. Bing: Really stupid. And I don't even know how it happened. I'm sorry,
honey, I promise it will never happen again. Are we okay now?
Chandler: Yeah. No. No...
[Cut to the hallway, Joey is listening to Chandler and his mom's conversation through
the door as Ross walks up.]
Ross: Ah, the forbidden love of a man and his door.
|
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